Just be there

Casey

It's the day before my dad and Sam are due to get back.

I should be excited. Instead I am heartbroken. Izzie didn't get better over the last two days.

In fact she seemed to get worse. She crawled so deeply inside of herself I couldn't get through to her. It was like she was an empty shell of herself. She barely responded to me when I tried to plead with her to take care of herself by eating and drinking.

Her eyes where empty and hollow. They lacked any emotion. This is really what terrifies me.

After two days of her refusing to drink anything, it became clear that I couldn't take care of her myself. My mom tried to help, but after awhile even she couldn't get through to her.

So this morning I had sat down next to Izzie on the bed, and begged her to get help.

For awhile I didn't think she was listening to me. "Please Izzie, let me take you to the hospital so they can help you" I pleaded, tears streaming down my cheeks.

After what seemed like a lifetime, she slowly reached up and wiped my tears. I looked at her, and saw the first flicker of emotion I had seen in her eyes for days.

"I love you so much Izzie, I need you to get help. I need you to try." I told her earnestly.

She nodded. With her agreement, my mom and I had driven her to the hospital. They admitted her for 72 hours to evaluate her. I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her, and she had whispered that she loved me too.

Now, sitting on my bed without her, I broke. I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them as I sobbed.

I wanted so desperately to be able to help Izzie, but I failed.

I hope that the doctors can help her, so I can get my Izzie back.

Of course, she is still my Izzie regardless.

I love her, so I'm going to be here through it all. No matter what. I just hadn't realized how difficult it was to watch the love of your life struggle.

How soul crushing it was to feel completely useless when you try to help her and just can't.

I missed her smile, I missed her adorable giggle. I even missed her sarcasm and her teasing me.

I missed her so much.

I miss my best friend and my love.

Finally I stop crying, and decide to go for a run.

Runs always help me think.

I head downstairs and out the door.

As I start running, I can't help but feel like I'm abandoning Izzie.

The logical part of my brain knows that she hasn't drank anything in two days, and refused to eat much of anything for four days. She needs to eat and drink to stay alive.

Obviously, her staying alive is the most important thing, but I still feel guilty for not being able to help her.

God, I hope she doesn't feel like I'm abandoning her.

I would rather she be home with me. I would give anything to get my girl back.

Anything.

I run faster. I wish she was here.