I didn't take my meds today.
Two days ago Caitlin Adams asked if I was bipolar because I was into her on Monday but by Friday I had figured out that she was too demanding.
But those words, that question... it seeped into my soul and tarnished my tho...
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"Can I do your makeup?"
I lay on Cameron's bed and he giggled nervously to himself at my suggestion. Then he went quiet, contemplating it.
"It's game day Fearne, everyone is over." He glanced at the door clearly feeling unsure and I sat up.
"So what? Why do you care?" He shook his head, writing off my idea almost instantly.
"I'm not like you Fearne." My brows furrowed with lack of understanding. "You move in here and you're instantly popular at school. Arlo likes you, Jamie likes you, Lexi likes you. If any of them found out the truth about me it would be around school in a second, I'm not brave enough for that."
"It's not like that Cam. We're not friends and I don't truly think anyone likes me. I just kinda insert myself, besides it doesn't matter what they think."
"Only someone accepted and popular would not care what anyone else thought about them." He scooted himself over to the mirror and smiled. "But I would look cute in makeup, right?"
"You'd look mega hot." He glanced at the door again, toying with his lip between his teeth.
"Okay." He nodded and I clapped my hands excitedly before rushing back to my own room for my case of makeup.
I went through all my collection with him, explaining the primers, how to contour, the art of blending, how eyebrows are sisters and not twins, all the basic rules of makeup and he took everything on board. He wanted eyelashes and sparkle, nothing spared and I complied because I loved makeup. It was so fun, creative and expressionist.
"Oh my god, you look gorgeous." I told him once I had finished.
"I'm not done yet." He opened his closet and pushed his clothes aside, he had a small collection of feminine clothes hidden right at the back.
Mostly fancy dresses and dramatic outfits. He pulled out a shimmery cocktail dress in blushed pink and put it on, then he messed around with the top shelf where his bed linen was kept. Between the sheets he had hidden a pair of high heels in silver.
I watched him transform before me and I don't just mean his outfit. I mean mentally transform.
Wearing a dress and heels made him beam with happiness and high self esteem. He smiled, a real-genuine, infectious smile. He posed, like he was comfortable in his own skin. He didn't just look beautiful, he felt beautiful.
"How do you feel?" I asked.
"Like... myself." He couldn't stop looking in the mirror and I couldn't stop looking at him. He sparked the room in the most illuminating way.
"This makes you too happy to hide Cam. Please don't let anyone make you feel like you can't be yourself."
I grabbed a few of my chunkier bracelets and started placing them on Cam's wrist. "Why don't you start small. Change your pronouns to they/them?"
"Because small to you is gigantic to me."
Cameron's door flung open and Jamie stood in the doorway, slowly he moved his eyes from me to Cameron and back again. We stood staring at him in deathly silence. Then he clacked with his tongue and shook his head.
"I'm not even gonna ask." He commented slowly. "Mom said dinner is almost ready." He backed up and closed the door behind him.
I turned to Cam and swallowed. He looked like someone had just told him his gran had died.
"It's okay Cam." I tried to reassure him.
"Get out Fearne." He said slowly, without moving a muscle. "Leave! Now!"
"Cam-"
"Fearne, go!"
He left me no choice but to leave him alone to process.
