I didn't take my meds today.
Two days ago Caitlin Adams asked if I was bipolar because I was into her on Monday but by Friday I had figured out that she was too demanding.
But those words, that question... it seeped into my soul and tarnished my tho...
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
Pudding. It was thick and chocolate flavoured. I had nothing but a small paper-board scoop to eat with and even that deteriorated with every bite. I hated it here.
Today they let me out of my room for the first time since getting here. I was deemed no longer a threat to staff and other patients but I could see the two security guys watching me from the door, waiting to give me a booty shot if I acted out.
So I didn't act out. I just ate my pudding.
For the first week, I was heavily sedated and am I fuck going back to that state. Too medicated to understand what was reality and what wasn't. Harnessed to my bed while random nurses gave me sponge baths and talked about me like I wasn't even in the room with them.
The second week, they dimmed down the sedation and only restrained me at night because that's when I acted out the most. I screamed while I was awake. I did god knows what whilst I was sleeping.
This was week three, the were allowing me to leave my room for meal times only. Reintroducing me other people slowly. I'm told I can have visitors next week if I behave but I'm not sure I want them. Not after what I did. Maybe I won't 'behave.'
And by behave I mean; Take my meds. Participate in therapy. Rein in my anger.
"Arlo, how are you feeling?" Lola asked, sitting herself down the on the chair opposite me. I blinked at her slowly, clearing her in my drug-tainted vision.
"Like my tongue is numb." I slurred.
"Yes, that will be the low dosage sedative, it slows you down and makes your tongue tingle. Your family been by again today, they want you to know that they're looking forward to seeing you next week."
There it was, the gentle reminder to behave.
"wọn ko yẹ"
(They should not.)
Lola smiled uncomfortably. She didn't understand Yoruba but she knew I only spoke it when I wanted nobody to understand what I were saying. She would never give it much attention, not even curiosity.
"They love you so much Arlo."
"mo farapa wọn"
(I hurt them.)
"We talked about this Arlo, you talk Yoruba when you don't want people to understand what you're saying. Either don't say it all or say it in English."
"wọn le ma dariji mi."
(They may not forgive me.)
She sighed softly. "Let's talk about what happened three weeks ago." I spooned a blob of pudding in my mouth and swallowed it down.
"a ko gbodo"
(We must not.)
"Let's talk about what happened with Fearne. I know you care about her. Her leaving triggered your episode. It was a big change."
"She didn't leave. She was taken, that's what happened. They took her back to where she gets abused by her insane father. I promised her she would never go back there and instead of letting me go get her, I got locked in here and pumped with drugs that my parents consented to on my behalf."
"Is that why you threw the pan of boiling water at your mom?" I used my paper spoon to feed myself another goop of chocolate pudding. "Her arm looks pretty bad Arlo."
"I didn't mean to hurt her." I admitted, feeling ashamed.
"But you did. You burnt your moms arm and you took a metal baseball bat to Jamie's car. Arlo, you were a danger to yourself and others. You believed everyone had a demon trapped inside of them. You wanted to kill them. Do you think with the mindset you had at that time, getting Fearne would've been achievable?"
"Emi ko fẹran rẹ nigbati iwọ tọ."
(I do not like it when your right)
"You better not have insulted me just then because I'll rip your tongue out and make you eat it." She pointed her finger in my face and I leaned forward to bite it but she pulled it back.
"I didn't mean for her to get burnt, she just got in the way. I threw the pan at the wall."
"You know that doesn't make it any better Arlo."
"What did Lexi, Cameron and Jamie say when they found out about me?"
"Jamie didn't understand fully. He thought bipolar disorder was a lot milder than what you have. Like being unable to make a decision or changing your mind a lot. Lexi, well what can I say - she takes after me. She had a lot of opinions but on the whole said it explained why you act so dickish sometimes. Cam wishes you well."
"Lola, I need to get out. I'm better now, I need to help Fearne."
"You're in here for the long run kiddo. You need to focus on your health before you go running off trying to help other people. You're not in a good place right now Arlo, you would be more of a hindrance to Fearne than a blessing."
"Lola, please listen to me, please, please get me out of here. I need to get her away from her father."
"Liam and Liv are doing all that they can but these things take time and have to be done properly. You can't just go take a minor away from their parents, we don't have that authority. It's kidnapping Arlo. You focus on getting better and leave the adults to help Fearne."
"No, that will take too long. Let's just go, you and me. Let's get out here and drive up there and go get her."
"Arlo, you're not doing okay. You're in and out of depression, the medication is making you wholly unstable. Your sleeping pattern is wrecked. You need to be here with your doctors. We don't even know her address. She's a minor until she turns eighteen."
"And then what?"
"And then I guess she's no longer under the care of her father, so she can come and go freely."
"She's eighteen soon, in a few months. He's sick Lola, she's not safe with him. I need to know that at first chance we get at saving her, we'll take it." She leaned closer to me and dropped the volume of her voice down.
"Listen, you focus on you and I'll make you a deal. Once you're stable enough we'll go down there and get her. If Liam and Liv haven't sorted it yet."
"How would we get her address?"
"I'll go through her private medical records and find out where she is."
"Couldn't you loose your job for that?"
"Yes."
"Isn't it illegal?"
"Yes."
"God, I fucking love you Lola."
"I wouldn't do it for anyone else kid, but I'm serious. You need to take your meds and follow the doctors advice. You need to cooperate in therapy. When you're stable, we'll go. It's all up to you."
"I promise."
"Arlo, we can't involve Liam and Liv in this or your parents. I can't get involved either. I'll transport you there and get the address but I can't take her away from her father until she's eighteen. So until then, you'll have to just stay in her hometown hiding out somewhere safe with her."
"I'm going to try really hard to stabilize my moods, I'll try like I've never tried before." She gave my leg a little squeeze and then stood up.
"Gotta go do some observations, talk to you later kid."
