I didn't take my meds today.
Two days ago Caitlin Adams asked if I was bipolar because I was into her on Monday but by Friday I had figured out that she was too demanding.
But those words, that question... it seeped into my soul and tarnished my tho...
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"You fucking slut, you're just like your mother. She couldn't keep her legs closed either." His whole hand grasped around my bicep, dragging me up the stairs with all of his strength. I begged and pleaded with tears and frantic cries.
"I swear, nothing happened." I tripped but he kept pulling me upwards, causing carpet burns to appear on my shins. "Please father! Nothing happened!"
"Quiet yourself you little bitch!" With a thud he kicked open the bathroom door and dragged me inside.
He was strong, much stronger than me. I hadn't eaten a full meal in three days and I was half his size but the second I laid eyes on the bathtub already filled to the brim with water I fought back his hold.
"You deserve this. There's not enough holy water on this planet to cleanse your soul. Your body is your future husbands. Do you hear me? I'm raising no whore!" He pushed me into the bathtub and I screamed as my body hit the ice water.
My clothes glued to my skin and my nerves stiffened under the strain of the cold temperatures. My father leaned in and grabbed my throat, pushing me beneath the surface. I gripped onto the handles either side of the tub with my dear life until I finally gave up the power and he succeeded in submerging me.
I spluttered beneath the surface as the water cut off my circulation. Drowning pathetically, lungs unable to take in the oxygen I so desperately craved. He pulled me up, allowing me one cruel breath, a tactic he only uses to prolong this torture.
"You know what makes you special? Your virginity. Nothing else. You give that away you slut and you're nothing! Just used goods, nobody wants a plucked flower Fearne!"
Once again he pushed me beneath the water. It penetrated my throat, my nose and my eyes. It blocked off my hearing and removed all of my senses. That's the moment the natural survival instinct kicks in along with fear and pure absolute panic. You think you're dead before you actually die. And in that moment you think about what you were actually living for.
You think about the sins you committed.
You get a glimpse of hell and that scares you into never wanting to go there.
My father pulled my body up out of the water and I gasped in the much needed air. My throat burned, my chest hurt. I was being crushed alive by the vicious water and why? Because I asked permission to go on a date with a boy I'm not all that attracted to.
"Only whores want to have sex Fearne. Only whores enjoy it. I will pick who you will marry, me and only me. Until then you don't speak with boys, you don't kiss them, you don't engage in any sexual activities. You are celibate until I say otherwise."
