Love you more

50: Open the goddamn door!

I woke up with my eyes red, I had cried all night. I placed a wet towel on my eyes to reduce the redness. My paati looked sympathetically at me as I got down.

"I thought you would help me with the Pongal* preparation."

(Pongal*- Pongal is the harvest festival. It's a four-day affair starting from the 14th of January to the 17th.)

Day 1: Bhogi, this day is about discarding the old and marking new beginnings.

Day 2: Thai Pongal: Marks the beginning of Tamil month 'Thai' and it's the main celebration.

Day 3: Mattu Pongal: Madu means cow. Since cows and bulls play the main role in Indian agriculture, the third day is to celebrate them.

Day 4: Kaanum Pongal: It's South Indian thanksgiving without a turkey. People pack a variety of rice and meet with the family at beaches or parks. It's mainly community eating. (Lemon rice, Tomato rice, Coconut rice, Tamarind rice, Curd rice, and Pongal - Yes, Pongal is a dish cooked with rice and jaggery).

"I will paati, just - I couldn't sleep well yesterday, that is all."

"No, you should rest. I will call for help."

"I am sorry, paati."

"Don't be. Just rest and get well soon."

Every night sleep just evaded me. Senthil was all I could see when I closed my eyes. I must hate him, I shouldn't miss him. But I missed him; I missed him a lot. Every day I cried myself to sleep, woke up looking horrible.

I gave up finally and started taking sleeping pills. I know I might get addicted and it was not good for my health if taken for a long time, but God, I hated the look of pity my paati gave me.

After a few days, I still looked melancholic but at least my eyes were not red from constant crying and without dark circles.

The day before Pongal, my grandparents gave presents to all the farmers who worked in our fields and their families. It's usually new clothes, ration and a bonus.

I couldn't wallow in misery simply because there was too much work to do and I barely had time even to think.

Senthil visited our house. I forgot Radha aunty worked on our farm and Senthil too joined her work occasionally.

My paati welcomed him warmly and enquired him how his engagement took place. I left the vicinity before he could answer. I don't like to think of myself as a coward, but I didn't want to confront him. What will I gain? A closure? No, more likely a heartbreak.

He cheated me; no the proper phrasing would be he cheated on Priya with me and I foolishly believed him and gave myself to him.

That New Year's night, the first time I gave myself to him, I fell in love with him deeply with his every touch, every kiss. I gave him my heart and he walked all over it, as he always did.

No, I don't want any more drama. I just wanted to be left alone.

I was yanked and roughly caged between the wall and Senthil. I tried to push Senthil off, but he just caught both my hands.

"Ananya, we need to talk."

"Let me go."

"Not until you hear me out."

I tried to twist my hand and tried to push him away. He hugged me tightly and brought his lips to mine.

"STOP!" I tried to yell. But he used the opening to slide his tongue in. I tried to push him away but he clutched me tightly. I stopped struggling and went limp.

He kept kissing me, all my heart could think was how much I missed him; how much I loved him; how much I liked the kiss; how much my traitorous body wanted to kiss him back.

"Kiss me back, damn it," he swore, once again capturing my mouth.

Tears kept streaming down my cheeks. He stopped and looked at my tear-stained face.

"Ananya!" he said in a frustrated growl and ran his hand through his hair.

"I hate you, don't ever show up near me," I said and ran.

I ran to my room and bolted the door. I cried.

What does he take me to be? I love him, but he is engaged to someone else. I can never do that to another woman. Isn't it enough he broke my heart and trust, should he do that to her as well?

I could hear the knock on my door. I took time to compose myself and asked, "Who is it?"

"Open the door, Ananya."

"Go away."

"Open the damn door."

"I won't, go away."

"I want to -"

"I don't ever want to see you." I cut him before he could finish.

"God damn it, Ananya, don't make me furious. Open this damn door now!"

"Go back to your fiancé."

"Open the door or I swear I will break it."

I simply played songs loudly on my speaker, cutting Senthil's voice. I only left my room after I was sure he left.