Love you more

46: My poker straight little brother

I had no friends, hell! Friendships demand time and energy. In the morning I delivered paper, milk, and cleaned the cowshed. At school, I was busy with homework and studying. In the evenings I took up as many odd jobs as possible from climbing coconut trees to stitching shirt buttons. On weekends I worked on a construction site or farm.

I saw Ananya once a year as she visits paati during her vacation. I never made an effort to talk to her. I usually spent the whole day sitting on a tree that affords a view inside paati's house to look at her.

I knew my place in the world. I had no right to dream. Most of the days we couldn't afford food. Memories of Ananya's smile got me through the starvation. The only moments of my life I lived were with her, all others I just survived.

Then my angel came! Ananya came to live with paati. She looked at me; smiled at me; even invited me to have lunch with her. How can fate be so cruel?

I was so scared, I wanted to dream. I wanted to dream of a life with her where everything was perfect.

I have always had plans, not dreams. I would complete a diploma in teaching which is just a one-year course and start working as a primary school teacher right away. The salary may not be attractive to others, but it would be ten times better than what I had now. My family wouldn't starve. I could get a college degree through correspondence courses later.

This plan was enough for me to survive, but she made me want to live!

When I quit school to support my family, she came and asked me to tutor her. I wanted to refuse. I didn't need her pity. But what I saw in her eyes was not pity, it was respect.

"You can't refuse her offer," my mom advised me, immediately after Ananya left.

"I need to think."

"Don't think, there is nothing to think. Who would pay you 500 rupees for two hours! You work like a dog on the construction site for ten hours to earn the same money. This way you don't have to discontinue school."

I gave a non-committal grunt.

"Thank your stars and accept the offer. I will kick you out of the house if you don't."

"And where will you find the money to feed yourself I wonder," I retorted. She huffed and didn't dignify with a reply.

I washed and got ready. In my haste, I forgot I owned only 2 pairs of underwear, both of which I had washed at the same time. I pulled on my pants thinking no one was going to pull them down anyway. Unfortunately, someone did.

I heard Ananya say my name while talking to her friend. She spoke fluent English with an accent, most of which I never understood.

I knocked on the open door announcing my presence. She turned and blushed. Damn her blush never failed to turn me on. Heat coursed through my body and I found myself growing hard. God! This girl is killing me.

Saranya came in and started mopping the floor with soapy water.

"Behave," she warned me as she left. I pretended not to hear her.

Ananya slipped. I wished to catch her, but if I touched her even for a few seconds I would come in my pants. So I stepped back. She caught hold of my pants as she fell and the traitorous thing came undone revealing my poker straight little brother.

I yanked my pants up and ran. I didn't want her to think I was lusting over her, which is not untrue.

I avoided school, paati's house and anywhere else she might be. I didn't want her to find out about my love. I didn't want to embarrass her.

"Why are you working on a construction site again?" my mom asked angrily after a week.

"I don't want to teach her."

"Don't want to teach her?" she yelled, "Senthil open your eyes and see for yourself. Do you want me to starve till my dying days?"

"She doesn't like my teaching."

"Don't lie to me. I am going to go and beg her to take you back. Make sure she likes your teaching. If she wants you to dance naked you bloody hell do it. Your education is our only hope out of this misery."

I hate to admit it, but that had actually happened. 

Tutoring her is the only way I could continue my education. She is my angel and she saved me in many ways. I promised myself I would never reveal my love for her.