Love you more

51: Women! The day they make sense is the day the world ends

The final terms started in school. I confessed everything to Ramya, she was sympathetic and surprised me by never saying I-told-you-so.

I couldn't bring myself to tell Sai that I was cheated by Senthil, of all people, nor could I confess to Olivia or Aarav. Best friends they might be, but something held me from confessing to them. I am sure they would be understanding, empathetic, and everything a friend must be but I simply couldn't.

Senthil made several attempts to corner me, but Ramya never left my side and helped me avoid him at school.

As for tuition, I couldn't bring myself to ask Senthil to stop. I knew his whole family depended on his income. Radha aunty might have gotten better, but until she comes back to work for my grandparents I can't stop him. I could never stoop so low.

So we continued our tuition. My paati, due to her poor knees, couldn't climb upstairs, but I could move down. I simply moved my study table to the sitting room on the ground floor.

I told my paati that I was tempted to study late at night if the study table was in my room, a pathetic attempt at lying I know. But my paati bought it, effectively cutting the alone-time with Senthil.

On weekends, my three friends accompanied me calling it a 'group study'. Mind you we did manage to study for a few hours.

Senthil started writing notes when I gave him no chance to speak to me. I never accepted them or read them. He called from the local phone booth, but I stopped attending calls from unknown numbers.

I must be happy that I was succeeding in what I wanted but the truth was I was miserable. Every time I looked at him my heart broke. Every night I took sleeping pills and cried until I fell asleep.

"I don't like that you are planning to apply for colleges in Canada," my paati complained one evening as I sat pondering over my cover letter.

"You just came to live with us. I know you have to leave Valayapatti for college. But at least if you are in India, we could visit more often," my paati continued.

I felt guilty, I was the only living relation left for my grandparents. "I promise I will visit every year."

"That is not enough. If you are here you can come home for all the festivals. You can't even light firecrackers for Diwali in Canada!"

My paati looked as though it was a crime not to light crackers.

"You are going to Canada!" Senthil roared. It was not a question, so I didn't bother answering.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he thundered.

"Because I don't have to."

He looked at me furiously as he murmured, "We need to talk."

"I don't want to hear any more of your lies," I said, matching his tempo.

"Is that what you want, everything to be a lie. Is that why you are running away?"

"I am not running away."

"I never lied to you, Ananya. If you think my love is a lie you don't know what love is."

"Oh! You are the one to talk. I am not engaged to someone else. I am not the two-timer."

"Will you listen to yourself? I have to be an understanding boyfriend when you roll around with Sai, but you won't even listen to what I have to say."

I felt like he slapped me. Roll around with Sai! We may behave a bit more than friends. But Sai and I have never been involved sexually, not even once except for our first kiss. If you consider our first kiss as anything of a kiss it was more of a bite actually. Hell! Sai never once treated me as a woman.

Is that what he thinks of me? A slut? My eyes stung from unshed tears. Senthil's face turned guilty as he watched me.

"Get out. I no longer need your help in studies," I said and stormed to my room. That night even after taking sleep pills, I couldn't sleep, not even a wink.

Saranya came back to work for my paati. I avoided her as well. She knew, she knew everything all along but she just let Senthil play with me.

"Anni -"

"Don't call me that," I said angrily to Saranya.

"Please anni, I am sorry -"

I just stood up to leave my room, but she blocked my way before I could storm off.

"Senthil anna called off the engagement, he never got engaged that day."

I stopped in my tracks. "He never for once agreed to marry Priya. Our parents arranged this engagement without Senthil's knowledge."

"He is in hell right now after hearing that you are leaving for Canada. Please just once, just once talk to him."

Saranya left without waiting for my reply.

Senthil never got engaged! I called Sai and confessed everything. I needed to voice my feelings for I didn't know how I felt any longer.

"You know, if there is one flaw in you, it is that when you are angry you don't listen, no, you wouldn't even give the opponent a chance to speak," Sai said.

I nodded, knowing full well what Sai said was true.

"Although I wouldn't limit that flaw only to you, the entire human species with double X chromosomes have the same flaw."

"No need to insult women in general."

"Now the real question is, you were angry at Senthil for something that didn't happen at all. So are you going to apologize and make up or hold on to your womanly ego and break up?"

"Is that the conclusion you draw from the entire story? That I am wrong and women have ego?"

"Is there more?"

"Men!" I scoffed.

"I take that as a compliment."

"I didn't mean it to be a compliment."

"Fine, please shine the divine understanding of a double X chromosome and tell me what's more?"

"Sai, Senthil should have told me."

"But you yourself said you never gave him the chance to speak."

"I mean, before all this happened. He ignored me when he saw me. How long would it have taken him to mention, 'Hey my mom is forcing me into an engagement which I don't want. Don't worry I will sort this out.' Why am I the only one always reaching towards him and getting pushed? Why doesn't he want to share his feelings with me?"

"Anu, men don't like to talk about feelings and the only feeling that they know to express is anger."

"Then why was he trying to talk all the time? And how dare he insult me and make it my fault. He said he tolerated me rolling around with you."

"So you don't want to talk to him?"

"I don't know what I want."

"Then just take my advice and talk to him."

"I don't want to talk to him."

"Just now you said, you didn't know what you wanted."

"All I know is I am furious with Senthil."

"Fine, don't talk to him."

"I told you I don't know what to do."

"Women! The day they make sense is the day the world ends."

"Hmph," I scoffed.

"Anu, I only have one piece of advice. Close your eyes and imagine a life with and without Senthil in it. The pain in your heart will be your answer."