Love you more

56: Apologies

Ananya's POV

I took Sai's advice and visualized both scenarios. It was far more painful to imagine a life without Senthil. But it hurt just as much to imagine him ignoring or running away from me.

I woke up to someone kissing me. Senthil was lying next to me. Was I hallucinating? He hugged me. He was absolutely solid. Senthil was in my bed.

I tried to get up, but he hugged me tightly, preventing me.

"Ananya..." he said drunkenly.

"Are you drunk?"

"Maybe."

"You reek of whiskey."

"Ya, you caught me. I am drunk."

"I thought you don't drink..."

"I don't. Ananya... I love you."

"You shouldn't be here, leave."

"You promised you would never leave me. Please don't leave."

"We will talk tomorrow once you are sober."

"Don't leave me."

I pushed him, he rolled over with his head hanging out of the bed. He became violently sick and vomited. I helped him up, lest he choked on his vomit. After vomiting, he rolled over and promptly got back to sleep.

It took me a while to clean my room. I slumped next to Senthil, he was mumbling in his sleep. I put my ears near him.

I blushed. God! He was mumbling my name. He uttered my name as a benediction. Guilt washed over me. I still thought what he did was wrong. Even though I hated to admit it, I was not entirely faultless. I should have provided him a chance to explain. I should have talked about my feelings. I should have told him how I was hurt each time he walked away.

He sleepily pulled me into a hug, I rested my head on his arms. I needed it as much as he did.

Senthil was trying to escape unnoticed in the morning.

"Going somewhere?" I asked. He stopped and turned sheepishly.

"Don't go anywhere," I said and headed to the bathroom, when I came back he was sitting on my bed.

"Care to explain?"

"Ananya.. I am sorry."

"mmm"

He looked up at me with puppy eyes as he said, "Ananya, please don't go to Canada."

When I didn't say anything, he rushed forward and hugged me, "Ananya I can't live without you. Please don't leave."

"I have not applied to any colleges yet."

He clutched onto me like a lifeline, "Ananya I never lied to you. My parents agreed for me to marry Priya a long time ago. I never.." he faltered. "I never meant to hurt you."

I gently pushed him away as I said, "Do you know how it feels every time you push me and walk away? When you ignore me? What is your excuse?"

"I am sorry."

"I am hurt, Senthil. I trusted you. Even when Thirumalai accused you, I never once gave it even a single thought. I trusted you explicitly."

"I know, I am sorry."

"Is that all you have to say, that you are sorry?"

"Ananya, I am sorry that I seem to push you away but that was never my intention."

"Then what were your intentions? Even after the first time we made love, the first thing you did was to run away from me. I was hurt Senthil. Even though it hurt I was understanding, I never said a word as long as you came back. I just wanted to be with you."

He just looked at me with pleading eyes.

"I can't do this anymore, Senthil. I can't live like this when you hold me in such low regard."

"Ananya, please don't say that."

"I can't. Each time I lay my heart bare to you, you push me away leaving me broken. There are only so many times I could pick myself."

"Please, I can't live without you. Please just give me one more chance."

"Fine, but I need..." I was cut short as Senthil gave me a bear hug.

"Senthil!" I scolded and moved away a little.

"Sorry, I missed you like hell."

"I am still angry with you."

"Just punch me."

"I don't punch people."

"I love you," Senthil said, putting more feelings in those three words.

"Promise me you won't ignore me. Promise me you will respect my feelings."

"I promise. I will never run away from you. Please forgive me."

"Apology accepted." I hesitated, before adding, "I am sorry too. I never gave you a chance to explain."

"You have every right to be angry with me."

He stood looking at me for a few seconds before adding, "Ananya, please can I stay a bit longer?"

I nodded. Senthil hugged me gently. He relaxed with our hug and I found myself relaxing too.