Deep [Niall Horan]

Zayn

I'm sorry but this is not an update.

I know you've probably been reading a lot of these within the past two days, but I'm here to tell you how I feel.

To start off, I'm not deleting this story or taking a long break. I was seriously considering deleting this, and I had the delete button ready, but I didn't press it.

(The next chapter should be posted tomorrow.)

The news hurt me so much. I wanted to give up on everything. I felt so hollow, so empty.

One Direction had become a lifestyle for me. One Direction was a routine. My life revolved around them. Every day I would come home and check all my 1D social media and write more fan fiction and it all feels like it ended.

When I heard the news, I cut myself off from everything One Direction. Tumblr, Wattpad, Twitter because I was so fucking sad. I locked myself in my room, turned off all the lights, and cried for one hour straight (not as much as many people) and screamed in my room and threw things.

I cried while I thought of my entire experience with One Direction and how much they've done for me and the amazing ride I've had with them. I know so many have said this, but the boys saved me. If it weren't for those five boys, I would have still been insanely depressed and wanting to kill myself. I would have never had an outlet for happiness. And they gave that to me.

I know One Direction isn't over, but it still feels like a major part of me has been ripped out. Nothing will feel the same anymore.

I stopped crying because I just listened to the most upbeat dance pop music which eased the pain. I made the mistake today of pulling out my Up All Night album piano songbook. I played through the songs and cried all over my piano as I thought of all the good times the five boys had when they first started and how much I'm going to miss that.

So many people think it's not a big deal and that all boy bands split eventually, but I just wish it wouldn't have happened now. I wish it could have been in like 10 years when I'm not as 1D AF as I am right now.

I know Zayn will go on to do great things, but he will always be a part of One Direction. I will support him no matter what because if he's happy, then I should be happy too.

If only OTRA would have never happened, maybe Zayn wouldn't have left.

I love you so much and we all need to comfort each other as much as possible during this hard time. Comment your feelings and responses to Zayn's departure here and I'll respond to as many as I can. <3