Restart |Karlnapity| (On Hiatus)

55. Thinking About Myself

[] Chapter TWs: Panic attack/Mental breakdown, Eating disorder mention (Bulimia/Anorexia), Vomit mention, Suicide attempt mention, Shifting Blame. []

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Quackity hadn't gone back to sleep. After all, he didn't need more sleep. It was already four PM, and he knew he had to get up, so he did, and stayed up. Sapnap had woken up and gone out to get.. something, and, he hated to admit this, but for some reason he enjoyed him being gone for a little bit. And it wasn't him liking privacy, since they lived with Dream and George currently, and the two of them were watching tv while Quackity sat in the kitchen trying to get himself to eat something.

It confused him, but, he shrugged it off, figuring that maybe some aspects of his past relationship with Schlatt were truly normal aspects, and turned his body on the stool, looking over at George and Dream. More specifically, his eyes caught on Dream. Neither him or George were paying any attention to Quackity, and were oddly very touchy with each other, but Quackity couldn't bring himself to care enough. He turned his head and hopped off of the stool, walking back to his room. It wouldn't matter if he missed one meal, right? He isn't hungry enough to eat right now, anyways...

He shut the door behind him and walked over, sitting on his bed and sighing, flopping onto his back and staring up at the roof. He felt oddly... Blank? Was that the right word? He didn't know. More of an overwhelmed feeling, but that's just... not the right word either. He pressed his lips together before letting out a frustrated groan, tears making their way to the corner of his eyes, and he didn't even know why. He didn't even feel sad. Did he? No, he didn't...

...

He finally let his mind drift back to the dream he'd had, was it even a dream? it felt too real to be one... He rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes, letting himself think about it finally. Why would Sam be in his dream? He's hardly even talked with him at this point. And.. Polyamorous relationships?

He opened his eyes again, and looked around the room, a bit confused. Would that even work out? A poly relationship? It seems a bit too.. complicated. He blinked a few times, his breathing seeming to go uneven as a tear slowly trailed down his cheek. If he was in a poly relationship... Wouldn't he just get in the way? He just ruins everything, that's been proven a lot now... He ruined Karl and Sapnap's relationship, ruined his own mental stability, practically killed Schlatt... even if he didn't..

He stole Sapnap from Karl, they were supposed to be together, weren't they? Quackity wasn't physically attractive, anyway. He hated that, but it was true. How could Sapnap like him? How did Karl like him? How did anyone love him? He let out a choked sob, now actually sad because of the thoughts he was having. He curled in on himself, and his his face in his pillow, beginning to sob into it as the thoughts tortured him once more.

Damnit, why is he such a screw up?? He just ruins everything, breaks relationships that probably took months- or even a year to grow! Nobody could possibly love him, just like Schlatt said in the past. Schlatt was the only one who ever truly loved him and he knew it. He can't remember how many times this past month something bad's happened, because he decided to move in with Sapnap and Karl. That one decision lead to all of this- he shouldn't have done it.

He's a horrible decision maker, isn't he? He let out an even louder sob, though it was still muffled by the pillow, his breathing completely leaving him as he hyperventilated in a panic. So many thoughts rushed through his head, so many possibilities, so many bad endings, blame being thrown back and forth between him and the other two in there...

He didn't know what he was doing anymore.

He hiccupped and hid his face even deeper into the pillow, even though he couldn't breathe. He should've succeeded in killing himself, no one want him around anyway. He's so fat and ugly, even not eating one meal won't get rid of his belly he hates so much. Maybe he should just stop eating entirely, that'd help right? But wouldn't Dream catch on? He caught on after only three days of Quackity not eating before...