There's Something Holdin' Me Back

Letter 33

[ TW: assault]

HAYDEN

What the fuck?

What's happening?

What's Brittany up to?

"I wouldn't like it." She said as she leans in my ear.

She was on my lap right now, her hand was behind my neck as she stroked the end of my hair.

The distress that's building in the pit of my stomach is unbearable.

"Brittany no-" I said slowly trying to keep my anger to myself as I tried to lift myself from the sit.

She only puts on more pressure on my thighs, so I don't move.

"Don't, please don't. I've been waiting for this for too long." She said stroking my cheekbone. Our faces were inches from each other. Her eyes glued on my lips.

There is no fucking way she's planning on kissing me. She leaned closer that only made my heart pound and the sickness in my pit grow.

Without a second thought, I stood up using all my energy which made her land on the floor.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT BRITTANY?"

"ARE YOU DRUNK? OR SOMETHING. WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?"

I yelled breathing restlessly. The amount of aggression I'm feeling right now is really unhealthy for someone as calm as me.

She just stayed on the floor not looking at me. I began to walk out of my room when she held my wrist.

"BRITTANY LET ME GO, I DON'T WANT TO USE MY HANDS ON A GIRL." I said through gritted teeth.

She stood right in front of me cupping my jaw with both of her hands. Her eyes filled with tears. I clenched my hands in a fists to keep them from smacking her.

"Hayden, don't look at me like that. You're looking at me like I'm a villain." She sobbed as she took a step closer to me, which made me take a step back.

"Brittany stop. No" I growled.

"That's not how you're supposed to look at me" she mumbled taking a step ahead.

I could feel the edge of my bed behind me...

She pushed me on my bed as my feet were still on the floor while my back touching the mattress.

"Hayden, I'm not the villain of our story." She said bringing herself on top of me.

She cupped my face again even though I kept fidgeting it.

"Look at me." She said softly as she push her face in the crook of my neck. Her hand was under my t-shirt.

Using all my strength I pushed her off of me, she landed beside my bed looking traumatized.

I'm so angry right now that I can't help but want to punch on that damn wall.

I want to knock out each and everything my eyes lay on.

I pushed my hand in my hair furiously pulling them.

"YOU'RE NOT WHAT I THOUGHT YOU'RE."

"YOU DISGUST ME, BRITTANY." I said through gritted teeth. To which she just sat with a numb expression staring at that damn floor blankly.

"You know right? What you were doing was ASSAULTING?" I yelled at her as she began to sob.

"It's not, it's love, Hayden." She shuttered through her sobs.

I don't know if I should laugh at her statement or yeet myself out the window. Or her.

"Love? Bullshit." I yelled at her throwing the vase on my table on the ground beside. Since I can't throw it on her.

"You won't understand?" She pleaded.

"Yes, I'll never understand since when assaulting someone, touching someone inappropriately when they clearly don't want it is LOVE. Honestly, I don't want to understand that either."

"You're just another disgusting person who thinks they own everything they want." I said as I breathed angrily.

I walked out of my room smashing the door, I looked around the living area, it felt strange to be in my own house. Everything was spinning. I felt anxious, nauseous, my stomach grumbled.

I walked to the kitchen as I began to splash water on my face then I slid against the counter.

I feel so disgusting

I feel so disgusted by myself.

"Hayden" Brittany walked in.

"Leave." I said without even looking at her.

"I can explain it that we-"

"Get the fuck out" I said as lower as I can.

"We used-"

"Don't you understand what I said? I don't want you anywhere near me, you disgust me." I said through my gritted teeth as I stood up looking into her eyes.

She lowered her eyes but didn't move.

"Leave before I press charges on you, for assaulting me. Not respecting my consent."

"But why denying it, Hayden?"

"No means No. There shouldn't be any explanation to it. Saying No is enough."

"Please leave. You know there is camera across my window and I'm pretty sure it must have recorded enough proves." I lied I mean there is CCTV but my window curtain were closed.

She tensed up, as she looked outside.

"Hayden, you know I'm not that kind of person, do you think by any chance something wrong went or got added in my coffee you made..."

I clapped sarcastically is this how low she's going to go? I did the entire coffee process in front of her.

"Okay? If that helps you sleep at night. So stay away from me or I don't really mind adding something in your coffee next time." I said glaring at her. I'm pretty sure she got what I meant. She just stood there watching me.

"I was just trying-"

"Get out of my house"

"Listen one last time to me" she said walking closer

I held her wrist as I dragged her towards the door, avoiding her whining. I can't look at her anymore, without feeling disgusted by myself. She needs to go.

I pushed her out lightly.

"I fucked up didn't I?" That was the last thing she said as I slammed a door. Before sliding against it.

She banged and yelled a few times before I heard her car engine start.

I bunched the carpet underneath trying to contain my anger. A tear rolled out of my eyes. Maybe it's just another way of letting out my anger.

I got up and ran straight to my bedroom as I stood under the shower without taking off my clothes as I scrubbed every inch of me with soap to stop feeling dirty, I banged the hand on my wall.

I closed my eyes, letting the water wash off every negativity on me.

_____________________

This chapter was so painful to write! I kept dodging my decision on whether I should post it or not.

Anyways! If anyone finds it sensitive I'm sorry and do let me know.

Hugs & BYEEEE

Thanks for reading, keep going >