You're dead to me

Chapter fifty-six: Christmas Decoration

Giovanni apparently left, but that wasn't the reason why I hysterically kneel on my knees and rob around the attic. How much an attic can be an attic in a mansion anyway.

No, I kneel here and search for a box with Christmas decoration things. When I first moved in here, I suspected that Giovanni hadn't had any taste in decoration, until my eyes caught this.

A big see through box with every Christmas tree and mistletoes you can ever imagine, secured into other tiny boxes. I huff and try to pull it out of the space. The dust whirls around and get's caught in my nostrils.

I sneeze three times, before I can continue on my workout.

I successfully pushed the box passed the kitchen to the living room.

There hasn't been any sign of vases, flowers or anything you would decorate a normal living room. The black and white colors are very cold and nothing alike the Christmas spirit. With a last pull, I open the box and start collecting out the best looking jingle bells and Christmas lights.

***

It took me more than one and a half hours to decorate the whole house, I even put a christmas tree into Giovanni's bedroom.

I cooked some pasta and then I decided to go for a nap. The door to my room is open and I frown, I am very sure that I closed it before I went downstairs. But with one sniff, the mystery cleared itself up. Giovanni's scent still lingers in the room and then I see the brown leather book on my desk. A note was plastered upon it and a pen lays beside it.

Use it, so I can understand your pain
love G

My breath stilled. He wants to try one last time. With shaky fingers, I reach out for the pen and open the page that wasn't used already.

November 28,

You told me today, three days ago, that you want to file for divorce. And since then I've closed my heart completely. It feels cold and emotionless between us, everything changed and I know damn well it's because of me. It is a reminder I will gladly take for the rest of my life, if its means to be still married to you. You have met me when I was the best version of myself, when I felt on top of the world, even though I was forced to marry you. I just want you to know that I never hated you from all the 209 days we have spent together. Not a single day passed by, when I didn't had you on my mind. I woke up and the first thing I thought about was to kiss you, I went to bed and dreamt of you, I even trained and couldn't wait to share a shower with you. Whatever I have done to you, I cannot take it back. I went through hell and nothing what I've already experienced is comparable to this. Giovanni, I never told you that I love you, because I was scared that I will lose you too. Whomever I adored, they've changed because of me, they died because of me, the turned on me. And I didn't want that to happen to us, to you. I miss your touch, I miss your real touch, I miss the way you always made me grin, I miss the way you cherished my body, when I felt that there wasn't anything to cherish for. You made me love myself and that's one thing out of a trillion, that I love you for.

In love your wife Caroline De'Bardi-Matisse

I closed the book and walked to his room. The atmosphere changes, when I step into his four walls, his scent, the way his bed is made everyday. I drop the diary on top of his sheets and linger a moment longer than necessary. I slowly turn to his wardrobe and debate, if I should take one of his sweaters or not. I just miss his arms around me. I open his drawers and chose a blue one, which is warm enough to be worn alone.

I change immediately out of my trousers and top. Letting the material caress my bare legs and hug me from all the right places. I hear his car pull up and bend down to take my stuff to vanish fast into my room again. Hoping that this letter will ease the tension between us, even if it's just a tiny bit. I will gladly take it.