You're dead to me

Chapter sixty-nine: Leaving

Giovanni's POV:

Her eyes stare at me, in attempt to search the good, the truth, something that assures her to be wrong.

But I don't give her any prove. I let her fall down, I completely fail her.

"What is she talking about?". Almost inaudible she chokes the words out. It makes me ache to look at her like this.

Her golden hair is sticking to her hot forehead, white knuckles are gripping the edge of the sheets.

She is in the worst condition to put her on page one.

I shake my head. "Is it true? Did you kill him?". Fighting for her and the love I wanted to keep, has put my head through a tunnel of emotions.

Shouldn't I be offended about her meaningful reaction?

Can't I be for once sad and disappointed that she still felt so deeply for him. If she really cared for me and Eliana in the least, she wouldn't show me and confirm me at the same time, that he played, in any way, a meaningful figure in her life.

Am I wrong? Isn't that what I should be angry about?

Theresia steps forward and brushes Caroline's hair back into her ponytail. Her lips murmur something to her and she nods.

"She needs to rest, Giovanni. I think we both know that this isn't the right moment, nor the right place to...". The words linger in the air and make me taste an awful threat. Being pushed aside, out of the new world, that was just forming for me. Family.

Theresias brown eyes jerk to the door. I fist my hands. Words dare to come out, but it wouldn't mean a thing anyway. My heart rambles against my rib cage, as I blankly nod and turn my back at my wife, the women I soon to be lose all over again. I reach for the doorknob and close the door behind me again. Almost subconsciously, my legs lead me to the room where my daughter is staying.

The nurse didn't lie yesterday night, she's almost ready to move in our room—Caroline's room.

Despite the pain that I'm feeling, I find relief in just watching the little body in front of me rising with each heavy breath she takes. In comparison to the other babies around her is she way too small. Her black hair is slightly curled at the end and I can't bring myself to tear my eyes off of her.

But the truth stings my eyes and soon I only envision her through a blurry sight. I would give everything for her to be mine, to be sure she won't be leaving my side.

I am worthy to be called a dad and I didn't want nothing more in this life than to be a father to her. I bite down my sob and burry my head into my palm. This is bullshit! This is so fucking unfair! With every little ounce of strength in my body, I open the door to the room and walk up to her crib.

The monitors next to her show her constant heartbeat. My finger seems gigantic besides her little button nose.

Her velvety skin brushes my finger and a smile tucks on my mouth. The tears dwell over, all over again.

There is no way in hell I won't fight for her. I will give her the best life she could ever envision, with every day for the rest of my life, I will show her the world, make her happy, be there for her first steps and words.

Brighting up her rainy days.

Watching her play with her dolls play.

Teaching her to cook the best cookies.

Making her face her fears.

Learning her riding the bike, cuddling with her every night.

Reading to her the best princess books, because that's all she'll always be for me.

Going shopping for new clothes, because she fought so hard that her body grew even bigger.

Singing for her every stupid children song in the car. Blasting out when she finally says dada.

Making her count to ten and for every other number kiss her nose. Let her chose which suit I'm gonna wear for work and be excited for the next time I can see her again.

Snuggling her into her deepest sleep and change her diapers when Caroline can't find the strength to check on her.

Keeping an eye on her as soon as she starts to walk. Discover every possible danger in the house and take care of the sharp edges of the coffee table.

Somehow I find myself in a chair next to her sleeping and writing down the things to make it up to her.

The paper disappears every now and then, when I think about the lies that I'm scribbling. Because after what Caroline will learn, she'll never bring her daughter near me.

And then I form the words onto the sheet of paper, coming all from the inner corrupted part of me, to the women I love the most.

A heart that's been broken, is a heart that's been loved
-Giovanni

With that I take a last long look on the girl whom I wont watch growing up and fold the paper between her little hands.

"Ciao tesoro mio". I whisper into her ear.

I takes so much to walk out of the door and leaving the life I wanted so bad for all of us.

But the lies will always ink through, whatever you decide to do.