Baby May

Lost

No matter how much she cries, Alyssia's tears just keep coming.

Her husband is dead and she wants nothing more than to curl up into a ball and just waste away, but once she calms down a little Brian stops her from doing that, "Do you want to tell the girls or shall I?"

How is she meant to tell her children their dad is never coming back? At 3 months old Olivia will be too young to understand and sadly she'll probably forget who Toby is, but Ivy is a smart 2-year-old and a daddy's girl, she is going to be heartbroken.

"I'll do it if you'll help me?" Alyssia whispers, it's been a long time since she completely relied on her dad's support, but if she doesn't have them to rely on she will crumble.

"Of course, I'll help you," He can't quite believe that this has happened, his son in law is dead at 24 years old.

"You won't take him yet," She asks the paramedics, she wants to say goodbye to him properly and she'll see if Ivy wants to as well.

"No," They assure her, "We're waiting for the undertakers to arrive, but they'll let you say goodbye before they take him."

Entering the nursery, Alyssia lifts Olivia out of the cot and holds her close. Ivy is cuddled into Anita's side, awake but with her comfort blanket around her.

"Ivy," Alyssia kneels in front of her eldest, "I have something to tell you," Olivia is awake too, but Alyssia knows she won't understand what's going on.

"Bout daddy?" Ivy's lower lip wobbles.

"Yeah, it's about daddy. I told you he was poorly and the ambulance people were trying to make him better but um..." Alyssia's voice gets stuck on emotion, "Daddy was too poorly to get better and he um... he's gone to heaven."

Ivy frowns, "Like Freddie the cat?" She refers to the cat's passing seven months ago. Alyssia nods tears falling, "Will he come back?"

Alyssia looks at her mum for help, "He can't come back, sweetheart," Anita tells holding back her own tears for their sake.

"Why?" Ivy whimpers starting to cry.

Brian steps in, crouching beside Alyssia, "Because his body was too poorly to recover." He takes Olivia from his daughter and she pulls Ivy onto her lap, rocking her as she cries into her chest.

There's a soft knock at the door, "Sorry to interrupt," The older male medic mutters to Brian when he opens the door, "But the undertakers have arrived."

Letting Ivy say goodbye to Toby's body will be too confusing for her, so Alyssia gives Ivy back to Anita and goes to say goodbye to her husband.

Seeing him still and lifeless feels wrong for Alyssia, Toby was always full of life, happy and excited to spend time with his family, "I'd like a moment alone with him," Alyssia whispers and everyone leaves the room.

Sitting on the side of the bed, tears slowly fall, "I'll make sure the girls remember you, we all will. I'm sorry you were taken so early," There will be a postmortem, but she's fairly confident that the reason for his passing is the aftermath of the shooting, "I'm sorry that my past is the cause. I always hoped that we'd watch the girls grow up, maybe try for a little boy then grow old and grey together, but that's obviously not meant to be. At least you might have the luck of meeting my Uncle Freddie, say hi to him for me and Jim."

Sliding her hand into his cold one she realises she needs to ring Sarah and Jenna, "I'll look after your mum and Jenna too, I'll make sure they get to see the girls as much as possible. I love you, Toby, so much and I always will," Standing she leans in to kiss his lips, the odd feeling of him not kissing back shatters her heart.

The undertakers go in to remove Toby's body from the room, but as they do, Ivy runs into the room, "I say goodbye," She tugs Alyssia's pyjama leg.

Alyssia looks between her daughter and husband, "You sure?" It's not something she really wants Ivy to see.

Ivy nods and Brian lifts Ivy up and she kisses Toby's forehead, hugging his neck, but she keeps her eyes closed the entire time, "Love you, Daddy."

When Brian puts her down she goes back to the nursery and shuts the door, after Toby's body is removed Alyssia decides to call Sarah and Jenna.

It's the hardest call she's ever made, she could hear Sarah and Jenna break down in tears before Sarah quietly promises they'll be on the next flight out.

Once the paramedics leave, they all try to get some sleep. Brian and Anita go upstairs to the spare room and Alyssia puts Olivia back to bed.

She then takes Ivy back to her room and tucks her in, it hurts when she hides her tears, "Hey, don't hide them, Ivy," Alyssia wipes the dripping tears on her daughter's cheek, "It's okay to be sad, I'm sad too."

"Why'd they take daddy? He helps people and catches the bad ones."

"I don't know why sweetheart, maybe your daddy was just too good for this world. But he'll watch over us, I'm sure if you ever want to speak to him, just talk and he'll listen," Alyssia is praying to see Freddie again because if she sees him maybe she can see Toby.

"Night Mama."

"Goodnight baby," She kisses her forehead and attempts to leave the room.

"Mama," Ivy stops her at the door.

"Yeah."

"Night light," She whispers, though only two she doesn't usually want to sleep with a night light unless she feels scared or upset.

Alyssia plugs it in and switches it on, "I love you," She blows her a kiss.

Ivy catches it and snuggles into her comfort blanket, Alyssia closes the door.

Walking into her bedroom, Alyssia looks around eyes staring at the bed, she can't sleep there. Grabbing her pillow and duvet, she grabs a base sheet from the cupboard and sets up the bed in the second spare room beside Ivy's room.

------

White void all around her, Alyssia could cry, "Uncle Freddie!" She calls out, with no patience to wait for him to appear first.

"I'm here," His voice comes from behind her.

She turns towards him, "Is he with you?"

"Toby? No, not until after the funeral but he'll watch over you and the girls once he gets here."

"Tell him I love him when you see him, I'll make sure Olivia knows all about him and Ivy never forgets him."

"I'll tell him, I promise. Now, this is from me, I know it's going to be hard for you now he's gone, don't be afraid to grieve or take some time for yourself without the girls if you need it but also, don't go down the rabbit hole. He wouldn't want you to go down that path."

"I'll try," She will, but even when Toby became a qualified police officer, she never thought he'd end up injured or dead. It's going to be hard moving forward, but she's thankful to have her girls to look after. They'll keep her distracted.

Next week's update days will be Tuesday, Friday and Sunday.