Baby May

Breaking

The first week after Toby's death had been hard, but Alyssia spent most of that week in a state of shock. Realising that Toby is really gone, hit Alyssia heavily about a month after.

Since they got married there were periods during her career and Toby's that they had a couple of weeks not seeing each other and in some ways that is what it felt like.

Towards the end of August going into September, Alyssia feels her mental state crumbling. She has yet to sort through any of Toby's things, she can barely bring herself to go into the bedroom they once shared. She sleeps in the spare bedroom next to Ivy's all the time now.

Olivia is easy to take care of, Alyssia feeds her, changes her and puts her down for naps when she needs it, but Ivy is a different story. She misses Toby as much as Alyssia does, but she is also at an age now that she wants to play, be creative and run about outside.

Alyssia has no desire to do any of that and only leaves the house to take Ivy to the park across the road. Her parents and friends come over to see her all the time, but she feels more alone than ever.

The breaking point came two weeks into September when she opens the fridge and its practically empty. There's a drip of milk left so she dumps what is left into her coffee, there is only one piece of bread left for Ivy's breakfast and she has to put jam on Ivy's toast instead of butter because the butter tub is empty.

There is just enough milk formula in the pot to make one bottle for Olivia and that's it, nothing else on the fridge.

Thankfully there are a few more things in the cupboard, but it's not much better than the fridge. A small tin of baked beans, a tin of sweetcorn, a pot noodle, a pack of mini cheddars and a pack of Olivia's baby carrot crisps.

After breakfast, if you can call it that, she puts Olivia in her bouncy chair and sends Ivy to play in the garden for a bit.

Alyssia sits on a chair at the table looks around the mess of a kitchen and cries, dropping her head into her hands.

She's lost in her own string of thoughts when a small pair of arms wrap around her head.

Looking up from her hands, Ivy is the owner of those arms, "Don't cry mama, are you sad because you miss daddy?"

"Yeah, I miss him, but I know you do too," She pulls Ivy onto her lap holding her close. Looking around the mess of a kitchen again, Alyssia knows what she needs to do.

She gets Ivy to go upstairs and put her shoes on while she makes a call. She loads both girls into the car and heads for her parent's house.

At the end of August, Queen performed eight shows in Australia and New Zealand and got back yesterday.

Brian is both surprised and glad to see the three when he opens the front door. The look in Alyssia's eyes when she sits on the sofa in front of him tells him she desperately needs to talk, "What's going on?" He asks her voice full of concern.

"Is mum here? I need to ask you both a big favour?"

"Yeah, hold on," He leaves the room and comes back with Anita moments later.

"What's going on, love?" Anita takes Olivia for a cuddle and Ivy goes upstairs to the playroom on Alyssia's instruction.

"I've been thinking about the idea for a couple of days, but I've been struggling mental for the past few weeks and I think it's because I haven't been able to grieve entirely while looking after the girls."

Brian knew Alyssia was struggling before going to Australia, he went over to see them and he could tell she had been crying, the house was a little messy which she would hate if she were in her right mind.

He didn't say anything though because he didn't want her to think he was accusing her of not copying, and there are worse things in the world than a messy house of a single mum and two children.

"So what do you want to do?" Anita wouldn't blame Alyssia for wanting a week without the girls to get her mind together.

"I ring Dr Melrose this morning and they have space at the rehab centre I was at before starting in two days for two weeks, but I would need you both to have the girls for those two weeks. I want to do this properly, I think the best thing is to grieve in rehab and get the help I need now before I go too far down the rabbit hole and I do something stupid again," She can't do that to her girls, but she'd be lying if she said the thought hadn't crossed her mind briefly.

"We don't want you to go there again," Brian knows all too well the scary feeling of going back down that path, "Whatever you think will work best for you, we'll help you. But you're not going to cut yourself off from the girls for the enter two weeks, are you?"

"No, absolutely not," She couldn't do that, she'd miss them too much and she wouldn't want Ivy to think she lost both of her parents, "But if you guys could be at the Surrey house it would be easier."

"Of course, we can do that, it would be nice to get away from London for a bit especially for the girls," Anita has been busy with different projects and so has Brian it will be nice for some time to relax with her grandchildren, "You know we'll always support you and I think you're being very sensible about it, just don't hide it from us we only ever want to help you."

"I know that after rehab I'm going to put the house up for sale. It's too painful for me to be there and I think a slightly smaller house would work better," To leave that house will be hard, it was the dream home she and Toby wanted, but it's too big for the three of them now.

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Alyssia just arrived at her old home in Surrey to drop Ivy and Olivia off. She kisses Olivia's cheeks multiple times making her giggle before handing her to Anita and then lifting Ivy into a hug, "You be good."

"You're coming back, right?" Ivy pouts playing with some of Alyssia's hair.

"Of course, I'm coming back," Alyssia kisses her cheek repeatedly. "I'll call you every other day, but you get to see grandpa every day," She notes Brian smiling to himself with that comment as he gets the girl's bags out of the car, "And I believe you're going to the beach this weekend with Uncle Roger, Rory, Rufus, Tigerlily and Lola. The two weeks will fly by, I promise."

"Okay," Ivy reaches for Brian once he's put the bags down, "Love you."

"I love you too, baby, both of you," Kissing both her daughter's cheeks again, she gets in the car and drives to the rehab centre.

Small jump ahead