Welcome to the world of hell (DSMP)

chapter 58 (vent)

so, lately I've been feeling down and procrastinating on the next chapter. not only that, I almost had a heart attack since all three of my dogs somehow went outside, probably when my mum opened the door, and ran. we thought we lost all of them. but then they returned.

the fact that my mum does that so much tho. she opens the door and let's the dogs out. and she doesn't even get them! I need to! I be running like the police is after me just to get them! so, since I'm such an amazing author, (yes, yes. I know. please, no pictures.) I will infect this depression on my beloved oc. because I'm the author and Lucky is literally me.

Lucky pov:

lately I've been feeling worse. I got Y/N to start eating again but that didn't help my eating disorder. I might seem all perfect and helpful, but I'm just the therapist friend. the one that needs to keep everything in while listening to other people's problems. it's not like anyone else would care for me.

I entered my room. each wall was lined with bookshelf that had thousands of books (the wattpad books I need to read). I've been trying to sleep all the pain away but don't get any sleep at night. I just read or write to pass time.

the mirror in my room has been smashed and turned around. the glass still littered the floor. I didn't like looking at my reflection. it shows who I really was. just some stupid, ugly girl that was worthless. I felt disgusted in myself.

Y/N recently got me a new mirror. I set it up in my bathroom connected to my room. my eyes had huge bags underneath them. my hair was a mess and the thoughts kept getting louder.

'slut'
'cow'
'pig'
'gross'
'ugly'
'stupid'
'you're too emotional'
'is it already that time of the month?'
'just stop trying'
'no one would love you'
'mistake'
'you're eating too much'
'you're not eating enough'
'why don't you talk'
'stop drinking that'
'you're only faking depression'
'you only want this for attention
stop crying. it only makes you look worse'
'you need to drink more'
'hide your scars. no one would want to see that'
'baby'
'your only faking your mental illnesses'
' you don't have adhd'
'stop taking'
'you need to answer when you're spoken to'
'I told you I'm not cheating on you. are you sure you're not cheating on me?'

they kept growing louder and louder. I tried to cover my ears for them to stop. they just didn't. I couldn't stop them for some reason.

the thoughts kept getting progressively worse and louder. it all got interrupted when someone knocked on my door. before I could get up or even remove my knees from my chest, Y/N walk in.
"Lucky? are you okay?"
they rushed over to me, rubbing circles on my back.

"what's wrong? what's going through your head?"
"T-the stupid thoughts w-won't stop."
they hugged me to try and calm me down. soon enough, I did calm down. I swore to myself to not cry in front of anyone. but I could do it in front of Y/N. they were just different.

"I'll give niki and ranboo a call. how about that? I'll ask if niki can bake something while ranboo comforts you."

I slowly nodded. my tears came to a stop when they left the room. I got in front of the mirror again and slightly lift my shirt. it exposed all of my stretch marks and what I've been doing to my body. even if people couldn't see it, I could see that I was still fat. I was ugly. makeup couldn't even fix what god had created.

I spun around a little. I wore a skirt that went above my knees. I saw the white patches on the back of my legs. it was on the opposite side of my knees.
(like the indent thing. I don't know what it's called.)

they were getting worse as the days go by. I even had to wear gloves to cover up the vitiligo (skin condition that is incurable nor contagious. it's just something where it makes patches of white on your skin). not only that, ot spreaded to my eyes! now I look like some kind of fucking panda!

I exited my room and went downstairs to be greated by niki and ranboo, anxiously sitting on the couch.
"Lucky! are you okay? Y/N told us what happened!"
niki said, jumping off the couch once she saw me.

ranboo went in for a hug. I gladly return it.
"hey lucky, what are those patches on your legs?"
he asked, still in the hug. I froze at his question. nikichu also went behind me to see what he was talking about.
"woah! lucky, do you have vitiligo?"

me and ranboo separated.
"yeah.."
I sheepishly answer.
"thats so cool!"
"what's vitiligo?"
I laughed at ranboo not having a clue what was going on.

after nikichu explained what it is, ranboo understood. we all went to bake a cake. well, we tried to at least. in the end we just made a big mess of flour since we were having a fight.

the door soon opened to reveal sapnap and Y/N, talking.
"hey! why didn't you invite me!?"
Y/N asked.
"we didn't know where you were."
I mustered up enough courage to say that.

we all joined in on the fight. sapnap and niki were on my team while Y/N and ranboo were on the other. it was fair because ranboo could teleport.

after a war broke out again, we all laughed it off and stopped to make the cake.
"why didn't George come?"
I asked Y/N.
"well he was asleep again."
"I swear, he can sleep through anything. a literal nuke or world domination? 'Where's George?' still asleep."
"might as well call him sleeping beauty. dream is his Prince charming."

we all joke around more and ate the cake. me and Y/N walked everyone to their houses and I had an actual good sleep that night. a sleep where I didn't wake up. the last time I had one of those was the first time I met Y/N.

a smile crept up on my lips. for once, one singular night, I felt loved and had a good sleep.

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feeling way better now. I'm really happy of how this turned out.

love you guys <3
byeeee! have an awesome rest of your day!