The Devil Within

I Hate Learning Through Trauma

"You did well," Raphael assured you as you drove down the highway. "I'll have something relaxing organized for when you return. You humans typically enjoy a warm bath, correct?"

A warm bath sounds terrific, you sighed, praying to Raphael. Thank you so much.

"Just get home safely," Raphael said. "You still have a few hours to go until you get to Bobby's."

You had gotten pretty far away from the town and had calmed down significantly. Your heart was no longer racing and you weren't gripping the steering wheel. It's been hours and Sam and Dean still had yet to wake up. Castiel kept a close eye on their vitals, listening intently for any changes in their heartbeats or breathing. The second he noticed a problematic change, he would tell you and you would drive to the nearest hospital as fast as you could. If it became really serious, Castiel would grab the ill Winchester and fly ahead and you would meet him there. It was a worst-case scenario plan since you wanted Castiel to stay in the car as long as possible should the other start flat-lining. Now, you were over halfway through your drive since the godforsaken town Lucifer targeted was a good ten-hour drive from Sioux Falls. You had three hours left and the sun was already starting to rise.

"Are you sure you don't want to rest?" Castiel asked. "From observing you and Dean, I can drive and you could make the appropriate corrections before you rest."

"As good as that sounds, Castiel," you said, yawning, "I'm gonna wake up screaming and thrashing after a minute thanks to Mr. Daddy Issues back there."

"Who?" Castiel asked, genuinely. "I have never encountered a man with the surname of Daddy-issues."

"I'm insulting Lucifer behind his back," you explained with a tired chuckle. "Are you aware of what I mean by Daddy Issues?" You asked.

"I assume it's about troubles with a father figure?" Castiel guessed.

"That's the heart of it," you said. "The best way for me to put it is Daddy Issues is an umbrella term for different aspects and character traits that appear due to an absent or abusive father. A need for superiority and abandonment issues fall under that term." You sat back in your seat and sighed as you kept your eyes on the road. "I usually see it as an insult to young women who express themselves in a way that's not conventional. Usually, they just say Fatherless or Where's your dad? Regardless, I was just trying to take a metaphorical jab at Lucifer." 

"I understand," Castiel said, nodding as he turned his attention forward. You sat in silence for only a moment before Castiel said something. "I'm sorry."

You paused and glanced at Castiel for a second before turning most of your attention back to the road. "For what?"

"For disappearing," Castiel answered. "I was unable to get to you in a suitable amount of time. Because of that, Ellen and Jo have passed on and you were close to being slaughtered by Lucifer."

"And that isn't your fault," you said. "There was something going on that you felt the need to investigate and it just took a while. You couldn't have known those events would happen."

"But-"

"No, Castiel," you said, raising your voice a little. "I get it, you feel guilty. You have every right to feel the way that you do, but that doesn't make it your fault. Besides," you huffed, shrugging, "Ellen, Jo, and I knew what we were signing up for when we got the call for this Hunt. Death is just an occupational hazard for us Hunters." 

"Lucifer led me into a trap that I should have seen coming," Castiel confessed. It sounded like he needed to get that out and that he had a bit more to say. You stayed silent as Castiel started talking. "Most of the Reapers were standing very still. They were all just staring in one direction and didn't acknowledge me when I approached. I had my suspicions that they were waiting for Death to arise but wanted to confirm it." Castiel looked at you before glancing back at Sam and Dean. "Lucifer had one of the Reapers wait in a window and stare at me to get my attention. Then, it moved. I felt the need to investigate why that single Reaper moved while the others stood motionless. It was an ambush that Lucifer led himself." Castiel looked ahead and you could just feel the shame radiating off of him. "While you were fighting for your lives, I was stuck in a ring of Holy Fire with a demon taunting me."