All I Ever Wanted

Chapter 15- The Choices We Make (Jamar's Reason)

~Jamar's POV~ 

When I saw Si, Ace, and Easton carry off with Rai I knew right then and there I fucked up. I got caught up in the moment and let my anger out on Rai. Which Rai never really deserved it no matter how bad I wanted to hurt her. I swore and swore to myself that I would never ever turn into my father but I guess I was wrong. I feel disgusted with myself with what I did to Rai. GOD why did I do that. I mean she was rejecting me and I guess that fueled my anger and I just loss control but that gave me no excuse to hit her repeatedly. 

As I sit here in the police station, I can't help but wonder if I would run into my father. I bet he would give me this smirk saying 'I told you son, you are just like me and you can't deny it now cuz you hit her and there is no turning back' Just imaging that confirmation I could feel tears swelling up in my eyes. I am not going to pretend to be a tough guy and not cry but in fact crying is the only thing that is keeping me go crazy. And plus my constant worry about Rai. I know that my strength and with Rai she no chance. GOD I am sooo stupid. You might wonder did someone at the party call the cops? And yes, Andre did after he joined in with the rest of Rai's brothers and friends and beat the shit out of me before he called. When the cops saw my condition they were curious but Andre told them what I did and then the understood and handcuffed me. I mean I didn't fight it, I was more willing to go because I know what I did was wrong. I know that my grandma won’t be happy with me knowing what I did. 

Then the thought of State came across my mind and I knew right then and there that my future of playing basketball was over and my record will always have women beater in it and collage will every want to have a women beater on their team. I guess I fucked up my own future and I guess there is no way in hell that I can go back. I bet coach is pissed and probably the entire team. I know there is no way in hell that I am going to play in the game. Cuz duhhh I am at the police station behind bars. But I don't know about Tristan and Easton if they are going to go because the game is Saturday and who knows if they are capable to focus when Rai is in the hospital. 

Another thing dawned on me....Mr. Harrison....fuck fuck fuck fuck

He is going to kill me over and over again. And who would blame him. I beat his daughter numerous times. I was stupid and I kind of hope he kicks the shit out of me because I really do deserver it. 

The reason why I did what I did was because I was hurt. I was hurt that Rai didn't really love me and that she was forcing herself to be with me but used sex as an outlet. At first I thought Rai wanted to take our relationship to another level but I guess I was wrong. I mean I am in love with her and I was the happiest man in the world because I had my girl but every time I looked at her she looked like she wanted to be somewhere else but here with me. I might say that it stung a lot knowing that she wanted to be somewhere else than with me. Then some of the guys started talking about how Rai looked bored with me and how that I wasn't satisfying her like I should be. I mean Rai wanted me all the time and when I let her it didn't feel right to me but I ignored it hoping that it was just a fluke or something. But even though I felt like it was forced I tried and tried to tell myself that it would get better but it never did. When Rai kissed me, it was hunger and lust. Like she had to prove something to herself and me. That we could do this but we couldn't. 

I saw the warning signals but I ignored them because I was blinded my love or lust in this case. Then when more and more people pointed out mine and Rai's relationship and how it was forced. I was humiliated and I guess at the party when she rejected me all those emotions that I was hiding just exploded. I know there are other ways to solve that problem but something just took over me and once I started I couldn't stop until Si, Ace, and Easton pulled me off of her. Then when I saw the look in her eyes I felt soo bad and I was praying that they would just kill me there and now so I wouldn't have to live with myself knowing what I did to her. Every time I close my eyes I hear her pleas and screams telling me to stop. I can't even look at myself. I guess they are right, I am a worthless piece of shit and a scum bag of a human being that beats a poor defenseless woman who really did nothing. 

Later that night, Jamar is still in Jail 

I was shoken out of my thoughts that were eating me alive from someone screaming in the police station. 

"WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT PIECE OF SHIT WHO BEAT MY DAUGHTER. THAT MOTHER FUCKER WHO PUT HER IN THE HOSPITAL AND THE MOTHER FUCKER WHO USED MY BABY GIRL AS A PUNCHING BAG" i heard a deep yell and I knew right away that it was Mr. Harrison 

I heard some officers trying to calm him down but nothing worked. He kept on yelling and throwing things. Saying that he wants to see the low life son of bitch who did this to his daughter. And to my pleasure that was me. 

 I heard the door unlock to the cell area and hearing Mr. Harrison thanking the police captain to let him see me. I thought to myself, is this what death is going to be like. 

I heard load footsteps stomping towards myself. When I heard the footsteps decease I knew he was standing right in front of my cell. 

"Look at me you low life son of bitch. I want you to look me in the god damn eyes and tell me why the fuck did you hurt my daughter. You know mother fucker if my sons didn't stop you and you've kept on going you could've nearly killed her." he said coldly

His words sent shivers down my spine. 

I kept silent 

"boy you better me thankful that you are behind bars that are separating me from ripping your head off in one swift motion with one hand tied behind my back. You are one stupid fucker to mess with a Navy SEAL's daughter. YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER." he said trying to regain his composer but he kept on repeating 'YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER' over and over. 

I still kept silent until Mr. Harrison let his anger get the best of him and he started to shake the bars on my cell. 

"YOU STUPID MOTHER FUCKER!! SPEAK! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR HEAD! I NEED TO KNOW WHY THE FUCK MY DAUGHTER DID TO DESERVE WHAT YOU DID TO HER" he said while he kept on shaking the bars. And then he stopped and smashed his head inbetween the bars and silently sob. 

I was in complete utter shock. Was Mr. Harrison crying?

Then after a moment passed, I guess I grew some balls and broke the silent. 

"she did nothing sir, it was my anger and I let it get the best of me. I would never ever lay a hand on a woman...never ever" I said bravely but stopped because I started to get chock up. "I am more disgusted with myself than you can imagine. I don't care how much other people beat the shit out of me, it still doesn't compare to what I am doing to myself."

Mr. Harrison was silent just staring directly into my cell searching for my gaze. The his search of over and he found my gaze. My gaze was hurt, pain, and so many emotions I never knew I had in me.

He eyes were lasers, burning into my eyes. What felt like forever he broke the gaze and stepped back. He mutter some more profanities. Then before walking away he looked my dead straight in the eyes "I was hoping that you would never turn into your father, a pathetic excuse of a man who hurts woman." With that finally word he stormed off. Leaving me speechless.

Those words cut deep, real deep. It felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Those words lingered in my mind and will engrave forever. I guess I am like my father. And when I finally said those words I felt like I would rather die than to be ever being compared to him in the same sentence of breath.