Better Choices (bwwm)

F O R T Y S I X*

I V Y

I don't want to be here. I want to be in sweatpants and a hoodie, cuddled under my heated blanket with my two babies, well three when you include Alex.

Everyone has been talking about whatever they deem as important but I've just been picking over my food barely interested.

"How's it been with the twins, you haven't even let us hold them yet" Alex's mom speaks up.

"It's only been around two months Camille, they may want their babies to have privacy" Derrick reminds her and she nods.

"We bought them but they're sleeping, I'm sure one of them will wake up soon and you can hold them" I offer. I've been very protective, for the first four weeks I wouldn't even let Sasha or Kimani hold them just Alex and I.

I've been letting up since we're gonna be at two months in a couple of days. It's just hard sometimes. I'm attached to my babies.

When I first had them I felt almost detached and I felt guilty. However the more skin-to-skin I had with them the more connection I felt.

I'm obviously not asking to feel self-conscious and uncomfortable in my skin however it's just the circumstances I'm under.

I don't feel pretty and even if Alex tells me otherwise it only does so much because when he's not there to whisper words of encouragement I'm stuck with just my thoughts and they have nothing good to say.

I wish I could be like Kimani, she's so uplifting to herself and even to me. I can't even look at myself.

I'm trying though, that should be enough. I really am trying.

"How's being a mom going?" Andrew asks.

"It's fun, they cry but it's not too often so it's not as chaotic and I love dressing them up" They have matching Christmas onesies with reindeer's and it's the cutest thing.

"I can tell, You clearly love the carters gift card" He smiles and I nod.

"Of course and all the things on my registry too" I joke.

"And You Ki? How's Bells?" Andrew asks.

"She's a little comedian and she loves to go outside and get air" I wonder if babies can speak a separate cooing language.

After some more baby talk, it gets quiet again till the topic changes to something random.

I'm starting to doze off because I'm getting bored but then I feel Alex's hand inching up my thighs and that snaps me wide awake.

I've tried orgasming on my own accord like with the shower head but it wasn't really the same. I barely came if anything.

Thinking about sex at the dinner table is a new low for me now that I think about it.

Everyone else is eating away and I'm thinking about my head between Alex's legs. Shame. Pure shame.

"You okay?" Alex asks while rubbing my thigh and I just mumble out a yeah.

"So we actually have news for you guys" Sasha's father speaks up.

"Is it bad?" Ki asks and he shakes his head.

"The opposite, we've actually been planning something for you guys" Kimanis mom smiles.

Oh god, parents shouldn't be getting together and planning shit.

"What is it?" Alex asks cutting all the crap.

"Well, you obviously don't have to go because we get it's hard to separate but we got you guys a spa weekend and we could watch the babies while you guys have some couples time away. It's a couple of days after New Year and well you guys have been so busy being parents and stuff and well we just wanted to do something nice" Alex's mom speaks up.