Unrequited love

Seventy-two || Lilah

If I keep holding onto people and thoughts that ruined me, I'll never be able to fix myself.

That's what Capri told me when I had a therapy session with her. I told her about Alex and she asked me why I rejected him exactly and I told her about Colton. She then asked me if my decision was making me happy and I had nothing to say.

She also asked what in the past couple weeks have I done for myself. Again I was kept silent. We went on to talk about how I should try doing things that make me happy. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish since you only live once. Do things which you want to do as long as it's safe and healthy.

I don't think any of it processed though my head though. I kind of stopped listening after she asked me if rejecting Alex made me happy.

I rejected him because that's what I wanted, I knew it would be better for me to relax on my own but it's done the opposite. I've been collapsing in on myself because all I've done is second guess. Especially after my recent confirmation that I do genuinely like him.

I had missed him already and now I think it's gotten worse. He's gotten better with talking to me now since we text all the time. Except he always has an excuse to not see me in person or to call. He's either with Brylan or Katie so he can't. I understand since he hasn't been hanging out with them as much as he did so I left it.

Instead I decided to work on myself since I figured it was unhealthy to constantly bank on him. I can't rely my own happiness on him so I taught myself to stop caring.

Not that it was very effective. I learned quickly that you can't just lie to yourself that easily but I kept doing it anyways.

I went outside for walks and for the love of god I've never been so aware of how many people are in relationships. I knew dating and all that was popular but it's as if everywhere I looked couples where doing something cute so I just went back home and stayed I'm my room.

Now I'm here. Sitting on the footstep of Alex's house, considering if I should go back home or not. I didn't tell him I was coming nor did I really plan it but I'm here now.

Reconsidering how this could go horribly wrong I don't know what I would even say to him so I get up to leave. Before I can even get anywhere his front door opens and I flinch. Assuming it's his mom I turn around but instead he's the one standing there.

He's wearing a hoodie, tracksuit pants and socks. I don't think he's wearing a shirt though, since I can see his collarbone. One of his hands is pocketed and it doesn't seem like he planned on leaving the house. Watching him point to the side of the door I'm suddenly aware of the camera next to the doorbell. For some reason I've never noticed it.

'It's new. My ma installed it when the new neighbors moved in and they started acting weird about the fact that she married a woman.' He leans against the doorframe. 'I sat in the kitchen and watched as you sat there and argued with yourself on the step for about twenty or so minutes,'