REMIND HER HER REMINDER

BREATHE

Id stare at her and i feel like she deserved more than i could offer.she was so pretty and i fell for her so deeply .Her smile was so calm like she was asking me to be her girl forever.

I really loved Fajie.i always had a crush on her.i regret not kissing her when i had the chance to . I really had all kind of fantasy with her but most of all ;i wanted to protect our love though I blindly fed it to someone who trashed it.

I couldn't tell if i was straight or bisexual.Furthermore, my mother would kill me if she found out i loved girls.
She already said to me she'd be greatly disappointed in me if she found out that  if im lesbian  or bisexual....whatever!!!!!!AND she doesn't support lesbianism or any of that shitt AND if she had an anti gaypill she would actually overdose me Bett to death .Just as long as I die straight!!

But now im older. I can make my decisions .i have my crib and i pay my rent.i manage myself.i can be who i want to be.
Who do i want to be though??
Who was i before?

Now i take a cup of coffee to keep me awake during the day time . Smoke some weed to be high at night and ease me to sleep .

Then theres this "him"

I try to be perfect for him too ,but sometimes it feels like my perfection is slowly killing me and by the time hed be perfect for me i would have given up and decided to act karma on him.

Hes making me be someone else.I cant help but feel the pain of how much i love him .
I want him to stop hurting me but he's always saying that he'll change.
Has he though??
Will he though??
Might he though??

Letting go feels twice the pain i crave for his presence , for his attention,For this relationship full of toxicity.

I dont know what love feels like no more .
But Fajie is here now .She loves me so much . Her brown eyes speak of it.Her touches on my waiste makes me want to grab her to my bed and make love.

Shes all i ever wanted but am i all she wanted?
I want to make up for the days i wasnt there for her.The days i was blinded by lust on someone else and not her.
The days i wanted to sleep next to her that didn't happen.
But we had up and downs even before we both spoke our feelings.

I dont have the perfect love story.i have a thing for my exes though,my friend,Lupale Nugent says.Especially my first love Odilla .He broke up with me after highschool and i kept waiting for him to come back .
Well he did.

But it was too late.

Now im in this relationship with Cuggy.He made me feel whole but he drains me too.He is the most amazing person i met after school.and i swear i love him so much .
But im tired
I want to stay with him untill he loves me right and have the fear of hurting me but for how long will i carry this shredded pain inside me .

Im dying to be yours Cuggy .I suffocate in this love.And you've never noticed it.Because i want you to feel okay ,to be secure,i want to be your home ,but the walls are cracked by now, the walls are falling apart my love.

Our home is falling apart !

Fajie on the other side is far from me .But she speaks to me like shes next to me.she's building love for us .We need more bricks.
We need devotion and commitment.
Will she hurt me like Cuggy did??
Should i try this again?
I should tell Cuggy about her. Right?

But will he be okay with it. My slightest mistake makes him be a monster to me . He scares me when hes mad at me. I cant read his mind but i feel his ire ,it bursts out like a volcano and it burns more than the fire does.
I cant tell his intentions clearly but they fill me with fear and uncertainty.

I just want genuine love .
But it neglects me .
I said i just want genuine love but it neglets me!!