REMIND HER HER REMINDER

23•3

You gave me shoulder when i needed it
You showed me love when i wasnt feeling it
You made me fight when i was giving in
You made me laugh when i was losing it
Cause you are
The reason why im hanging on
You are the reason why my heads above water
And if i could get you the moon
Id give it to you
AND IF DEATH WAS COMING FOR YOU
ID GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU
Cause Sammie my love ; you are the reason why im hanging on....
And everytime i see the fullmoon ,i get excited and it calms the butterflies in my stomach just like you always did Sammie.
You are my moon.

been avoiding this song since Sammie died and today i played it on repeat and it made me burst to sudden unending tears

The flashbacks of how happy i was with him ,me wearing his favorite shirt till its color started fading,evening walks as the sun set ,holding hands untill it got dark and watching the moon at the balcony or rooftop.

Then now the sad ones flood in;when id go to his place broken and deserted,when no one else could tell me what i wanted to hear,he always knew what to say,he knew how to calm me down,how to make me smile as tears rolled down my cheeks....
He'd wipe them so softly ;like he understood that im fragile ,he'd hug me so tight and it would make me always felt like;IF THE WORLD WAS ENDING YOUD COME OVER RIGHT??YOUD COME OVER AND YOUD STAY THE NIGHT!

Then how i fell apart when you left me in this heartless world.How i acted strong yet every one saw that i was weak.How i fought those tears untill i saw Alpha, untill i saw Amir, untill i saw Jamie walk in the room when i was alone locked in your bedroom . he drowned in his world of pain at my sight.I was too weak to comfort him,both of us were.

I still remember how i cried on my bed every hour id think of you.I remember how the air outside felt sopoisonous so i had to lock myself in.I still remember how the roads felt unsafe because every corner had a memory of us. I still remember how your friends pittied me ,how i heard them whisper from a distance that ,"that was Sammie's girlfriend."And it made me hate people even more.

Its the same day i wanted  to talk to someone i loved to comfort me ........so i went for Odilla my first love .That time i had decided to be with him,to love him only,to make him mine and all that was fantasy just like how i was hoping id spend my life with the same gang  ;Sammie,Jamie,Alpha,Amir and I ,
We sadly parted away ever since Sammie left.
I barely know about Alpha
Jamie and Amir started working at Nyali
Then months later Amir married some girl none of us knows about
......
The wedding was so sudden and quick .....
Bett he got the girl pregnant!!!

Well my Odilla .....

I texted him ,bett it was too late ,he had moved on.His girlfriend Gloria kept replying Odilla's messages.And boo  she was hella mean and arrogant and i swear she met me when i was going through my worst ;rather weak and frustrated....being wild and fighting back felt like id drain my whole energy that I needed to keep going without Sammie in  my dear life  .I just let her talk shitt,i let her call and yell at me and all i did was listen.All that time i just wanted Odilla to text me ,to call me and comfort my lonely soul.but i always knew id revenge cos I chose to heal in hell and despite being all good ....Theres some evils in life i gotta do!

We've grown together,he knows what mends me ;even at a distance ,he knows he can heal me ......but he didn't bother ,yet i still waited for him to come back ,for two years till my love went zero , then i didn't care anymore if he did or not.But when we started fixing things later on ,i made sure Gloria felt stupid and days later her texts read;,,,you can have him,he never got over you anyways,,,,

I remember praying to God to help me get over Odilla.To give me a sign i should move on and God brought Cuggy to me .
Not like he was a stranger.No!!
I just never wanted to date him.He was rude and his messages were full of high sexual energy; hypersexual ,yeah that's the word ,and i hated that.
"ill fuck you untill your legs shake!"Hed say.
And my mind would go like ,does he even know im a whole virgin!.That before my legs shake he'll have a BIG problem getting them apart due to shyness, discomfort of being naked or the urge to stay virgin.Thats what id say to myself.
The 17 year old me .

Though at that period,Bilal always came home to check on me with Fauzia Remo.I love how he thought of bringing Fauzia because he knew him alone wouldn't get me out of the house.Fauzia had that soft tone that makes it so hard to deny her quest and we'd go to the beach for some breeze."Are you feeling any better now?"They would always ask and id nod with a sigh even if it felt like they were wasting their time .i was glad they put some effort on me .

That same period Cuggy was trying to win me and he always made me forget i have depression to deal with.He'd always switch off the dark side of me and i loved being with him and so i was with him often,but now he's not worth all that I sacrificed for.
I just feel stupid and i blame depression for finding a worser way other than suicide to kill me .Because the toxicity in him slowly brings me closer to my grave and soon I'll be no more.
But for now lets burry memories that we could have told Sammie.