REMIND HER HER REMINDER

BITTERSWEET

You ever feel like you have alot happening buh when someone asks you to out list them you run empty ?
Thats me right now.
Buh lets deal with what aches the heart most .

LOVE
Cuggy came home for a week and i felt at home.He does make me feel at home ,though sometimes, his home is full of cold and i end up with flu because of the cheating virus he be breathing out .He wants the best for this relationship.Atleast he knows he doesn't want to let go.

Sounds promising innit!
HIS ACTS look devoted ,HIS MIND reads hope, HIS LOVE wants to rub off the past.
The past that I fear.
Dont let history repeat itself!
So common but its use is not common .

Im currently numb,id say i dont know if i love him buh i dont have assuarance of how im feeling .
Im certain at this point that i dont want to be with him and i dont care how bad he wants me because he'll fuck up eventually.
He eventually does.

For a week he was here ,he was not himself.He treated me different ,he bought me small stuffs and we all know im a "little things matter "person so he was like....... winning me again.But ,i wanted to break up with him and build cages to my heart and be cautious of what it feels and probably do nothing other than pumping blood like it should do.

He says he's working on himself.He says he loves me so much.He says he'll never leave,he says that he feels empty when im gone and he hated that feeling yet i want him to feel it even worse than it had him ,i want to make him feel shitty........i don't know.But all that he feels...........thats what a broken heart wants to hear.
Although!
This time its a whole 'nother tale.I want to heal with pain.

As much as im numb ,i choose pain .

I want to rewrite our story but im afraid ill have to ink alot ,makin corrections on the same line ;that it wont even be readable because i want a perfect tale ...well who doesn't ?
But what is he good at offering
If not a tale of lies.?
Huh!

What drained me almost to death when he was here is me fighting my feelings for him.im afraid to love him, i no longer know whats best for my heart .

To be with him drains me.....
To be without him drains me .....
But without him drains me more than fast.
Ultra speed mate!

Id kick him out buh my heart's calling him to stay.Id overeact over small mistakes just because i over love.id kill him I swear , if he would choose someone else over me.

I look stupid
I sound stupid
Very much Stooopiid!!!!

I need a stand .
Or should i be outstanding??
LAME JOKE RIGHT THERE!!
Haha
...
i need to have my stand
And once I have my stand ill never let my guard down.

Im done being vulnerable,hurting, being fragile and breaking yet uneasy to mend.
I can no longer crave happiness,it feels like im getting blinded.
A happy illusion .

Those smiles we have this days feel like hes just making me forget how deep  he hurt me.
He's pretty good at acting and apologizing though do you know what else  hes good at?

Repeating them same damn mistakes
with a different story line
that leads to the same mind game junction of lies ,petty tears and the take it or leave it bitchy moves.
Yes ,Lubale Nugent was right.
And i hate how he rubs lemon and red chillies on my watery eyes.
Yet again its who i go to when i want bitter truth.
For he's one of a Rick from the Rick and Morty series.
Especially the ricky drinking part.

The truth has small bits of hidden lies within,do not trust a soul.
My love Janet tells me this every day.
Her age of wisdom lightens my youth
She colors it with all colors.
Red for blood.
Blue for doom.
Black for depression.
Purple for anxiety.
Pink for tender love.
Yellow for happiness.
And
Green for sensitivity.

I trusted you Cuggy even on the days my best friend,Bilal deserved that side of me.
Your voice has been audible enough ,though this days your lies are getting faint.
And my love is fading.
Fading fast .
Faster than the good times we had.

If I had waited for your proposal,
I wouldnt have kept that diamond ring till date.
Id have thrown it in that same bridge we had our first kiss.
And i would walk past the bridge like a stranger ,hearing and unattending to the echos of our love drawning deep ;
fighting ............
Because i want to forget how youve made me feel like shitt.
But strangers give sweets to street kids.
And yours is undeniable.
Im your "sweet toothed " street kid.
But that's for a while now
Once I learn to let go
I'll be gone