REMIND HER HER REMINDER

SICK

If i had the energy to commit suicide I definitely would have.The bitterness that tears me bit by bit scares my every day breathe and i feel like i just want to get to my damn grave dig it up and burry myself..... cause what the hell is this!!!

Working on my fear and resentment table and the most I captured is that im afraid of expressing myself.i just cant and if i do ; i lie and when i tell the truth ; i cry much that i cant speak more.......its just a whole ass task for me to deal with.

Right now all i needed was to spill my emotions down on this board to help me take a break from my daily breakdowns.i guess.......
To help me see what triggers my emotions and how I respond to them .But I've failed yet again ......the fear of speaking of what I feel succumbs me once again.And now I capitulate to despair.

I just started my leave ,I thought that maybe somehow id feel releaved ,maybe somehow id finally find ease .

Butt!!!

Again here we go with wrong expectations!

My heart beats and every sound of it feels like im on the edge of my death bed .
My eyes ache as they've run out of tears,my lips are so dry ———-

Id really want to sit and talk to someone about it .About how drained i am.How i end up staying in the shower for hours just because it helps me cool down then later on have an asthma attack.
How i end up having the blades cutting my wrist because I don't want to share the pain I'm feeling.
How i end up writing poems that are dark as the world before it got created;just formless and desolate sentences.
How my heart is that void just like in the beginning of creation.
.The only person i wanted to listen to me doesn't even give a flying fuck about me.So i have to bare with the least pain to the most excruciating pain all by myself.——-maybe opt to die.

Would you love a broken heart?
Mend something you didn't break?
Fix a heart that no longer beats?
I say im cautioned with my past but i end up at the same spot .
______________DEPRESSION——————-

If the anti depressants could just take away the thoughts that traipse dry in my head giving me days that i thirst for happiness..... id be at a safer place!

I sometimes wonder how every one manages their life without anxiety or depression.

It sounds perfectly insane.

I would want that .I pray for that.I hope peace of mind finds me.i pray that someone loves me right someday ....I pray I find love and a bestfriend in one person ....I just lack love .

We all deserve to be loved

Im screaming so loud in my head ,Im having endless memories of why im i still breathing.im running out of energy.Im getting weaker after every emotional fight.

Now I'm sitted in this unfinished house .I cant even think of a place to run away to.

I cant even think of who to call.

Im thinking of texting Elias Omali for comfort but i dont even know what I'll say this time ,i dont think im ready to release this big lump of faded feelings that strongly pull me down every now and then on him...I bett he gets tired of me though I'm grateful he doesn't show it.

Sitting outside my house realising in the cause of my shitty life to some point wears me out ...
Bro im outside ,its cold ,i just have w me some packets of velo..:
Overdosing myself cos of someone who clearly sint meant for me.

All this ups and downs just for someone who wont change a damn thing..
Im sometimes scared of how Cuggy thinks !!
Hed sound so positive about us ....but still do the negative things he says he wont do..
And not once
Repeat on repeat

He shuffles my emotions on his mind .
Just like a song hed vibe w me for the written minutes and put the next song on his list if his emotions dont vibe w what he intends to feel  ....
at that moment i just wished i could run away from him pick myself up then start a life there.....
I was so weak to even think that he isnt worth all he put me through...
Hes the only person i want to talk to ...But hes just there in my crib all relaxed seducing other hoes as im dying..
Dying cos i needed him the most at that time ...
But he couldnt tell .
All he ever cared about was himself