REMIND HER HER REMINDER

LIFE EH !

So this is life!!

All i gotta do in this Damn life is make decisions.
As easy as it sounds it's the hardest thing for me to make at some point ....
But again you ;

either risk it or regret it !

What's worse!!!!!

What's worse !!!!!

Though what's the worst decision someone ever made ?

I'm emotional as hell at the moment!
I'm scared of making decisions at the moment
I don't even know what to stress about at the moment.....

I want my mind all blur ....maybe filled with blood.....maybe filled with love .....maybe filled w ....WHO KNOWS ???

I'm just fucked up lowkey but no one can tell .....I can barely tell if I'm fucked up...but trust me I am.....

Funny how people wait as they wish for someones downfall.....
Its crazy how-you  be winning out here and people lowkey watching you with the envious eye locked in fasting and praying for your days of blessings and grace to run out...

I been having shitty days
My life got different ...i even started clubbing ....i been in fights ....ive not been sleeping home .....
At work i been on issues on a daily....
Done lost my favourite client but what the hell....
I wonder what lessons is hind all that...
Maybe i didnt see that coming....too much expectation eh...yeah I know that doesn't even sound relieving airing it out .

A white fell in love w me too....

I can't seem to find my out other than hurting him and it's so sad that he truly fits me but my heart doesn't want to let him in ...so he's here passing time with me hoping some day we work out and I'm here knowing very well that he's wasting time having that thought ...
Despite me being racist I just don't like him at all.And it breaks me every time he gets me a gift .

I also got weird friends now who go for hook ups and find it so normal ....bro I just learnt that prostitutes get paid three thousand for a hook up ....
That's so cheap oh my God .......who sells such a sacred item for three thousand .I'm told they'd even go as low as fifty Kenyan shillings

fibbing w boys just to get money that low ...DAMN !
But at the end of the day what I say is if that's the easiest way and the best of your preference to bring food to the table with then why not...

Our personal problems weigh us differently....
Thus different ways of solving them ...

I had a certain white who offered me seventy thousand for a night when I was clubbing with some girls I met earlier ......and I was like damn that's what's up......but naaah......
I then later realized they go to that club to get hook ups ....it's quite an expensive club and it's always having this horde of people inside the dark roomed club and take at face value you wouldn't tell if day creeps in .

The first time I got there damn ......I felt my heart in my ass ....I felt so awkward ...yeah of course I was asked for ID since I look like some 16 year old girl .........Second time it got crazy ....
This bouncer asked me to follow him ...when we got out he asked me for my identification card and I was like ....sasa kwani it'll be eerday.
He then took me to some room  and locked and started carresing me .....
Felt like attempted rape ...
But he was calm....and he had this go head over heels with me .

Weeh noo we didnt have sex ..............

buh i told him ...........

naah hell naaah i aint such girls and he let go of me .

Same night i had my first fight...

Work is just hectic ...we back to low season and more crazy days that has dirty dramas that's so annoying ...I almost took my leave on may cos June feels so far...
But patience
Gotta learn to have patience ...
.......

It's awfully stressing me that I'm here mentally going nuts cos I barley earn good money and I'm here wanting Porsche Bentley Bmw Benz and Rolce Royce  and God it drives me nuts ..........

I'm here planning to visit Vietnam Thailand Greece Zanzibar Maldives Paris and Lord I don't even have money to get me a passport leave alone the ticket or money for fancy dinner and hotels and clothes to match ever damn occasion.BUT we'll get there in no time in JESUS NAME !!!!

Yet stranded on managing my mama issues ...yes I wanna buy her a mansion get her a car and a chauffeur but I'm fucking broke...

Mahn whoever's rib I'm holding better be this rich guy ...even though I can't fully depend on a man ...this ribs owner must be so fucking rich cos abi my future ....the damn future that I hold in my head is so expensive it wears out my brain cells when I think of it
But
Trust ....

Just putting positive energy even on negative pulls .....
Feeding my brain positive intuition that it can't accommodate any negative effects thought or emotion or symptom.

So this white guy eh ....
He wants to be written in my remind her her reminder ....
Now we gotta figure what to remind myself when we take this decision on the Faded side of heart that's a bit painted in faint red .

I just don't know why the hell I can't even kiss him ....he's so gentle ....he's so kind ...he's good looking .....he's so good but I don't know ...
Maybe it's cos of how we met ...maybe its cause we met when im selfish ...when i started taking my self care journey seriously like Elias Omali recommends me.....or maybe I'm too scared ,maybe im a bitch .No ,maybe he's the one ...wait what !!!

Hes brought mr chocolates,done made a surprise ...gotten me flowers. I got my first bouquet of flowers y'all ...And they made my small crib look so aesthetic like it should be .

YEAAAAAAAARRRRRHHHHH IT WAS GIVING
BLACK GURL AESTHETIC IN HER SOFT LIFE
ERA
He done met my best friend Bilal and they vibed but still I don't know .
I tend to overthink about his plans about me and my plans about him ..
This guy is talking about big vacations Buh in my head I keep asking myself ......so for how long will I fake that love not to hurt him !?
Then I remember that I was taught not to love out of pity by Esther .
Esther is a sister who raised me as my mother ...and trust me having her in my life has made me take most of the roads right cos she's my map ...
She's tell me facts like they are.
She's advice me like she'd advice her younger self and it's so sweet .
She's done make up on me ...Shed dress me up so good and done my hair ....Shed talk to me about literally anything that'd be beneficial to me ........
And my love for her is so feral in the most positive way you'd think of .
I did tell her about this white guy and she helped me through cos sometimes this guy just texts a whole lotta paragraph that leaves me speechless and little does he know that my brains are on Esther's .

Well at the moment I'm to scared of making the worst decisions in my life or fumbling on the best mistake in my life or failing to make an attempt of making a decision in my fucking life .