forever and always ///// Carl Grimes

15. Razor

Chapter 15
Through the eyes of Anne

Thinking..it's all I do now. Thinking about his hands and where they touched me, burning red hot holes in my skin where contact was met. The haunting look in his eyes, It is all I see when I close my eyes. I can't get over it. Not wanting to leave my bed I only sit up to eat food and for the toilet. What is my life now? Charlie has been taken away now staying with Beth. I think they think I am sort of mentally unstable. Charlie my source of love is now gone. I am unstable.

I miss him and I feel awful leaving him with her but I just can't get up to get him. I can't bring my body to obey, because it was my fault that he got hurt. What if he remembers and hates me or he grows up to hate me? I couldn't live with myself if that were to happen.

Carl eventually after a few days visits me I hold onto him like it's my last day. Eventually he suggests that I should shower. Sadly letting go I get up grabbing a new pair of clothes and a towel. Walking out I hope that I never have to see those prisoners again.  J stop in the doorway with that thought and slightly walk back to my room.

"Is-is the prisoner still here?" I sort of mumble out at Carl. I see as his facial expression changes. "No. No he's gone. He is long gone. And you will never have to see him again". As thankful as I am for Carl I nod and walk away.

"Goodbye" I genuinely say as I leave the cell. Carl takes this as nothing out of the ordinary.

Walking the empty halls of the prison. I mindlessly think over a decision I had recently made. I enter the empty bathroom, closing the door and turning the shower on. Steam fogs my vision making my skin warm. I blankly stare at my figure seeing how much I have changed since the last time. How much I have matured and... what my family doesn't get to see. I put my hand on the mirror getting it wet and the shape of my hand staying there. Staring at it I see that it lasts because of the condensation in the bathroom.

A tear falls down my cheek in the mirror. I am still enotionless. The tear Lightly running over the newly opened scar on my face. The scar that the govener gave me. The one which runs right down the middle of my left eye stopping only 2cm below. I got it when I met my new family, that I would cherish for the small amount of time that I knew them. I continue to sob breaking down in this bathroom. I can't make it, what the fuck was I think I'm in a fucking apocalypse. I'm not strong I'm a weak little girl. I look down letting my tears drop into the sink until a razor fills my vision.

Sobbing I grab it holding the handle tight in my hand nearly breaking it. Refusing to let go. Staring at the inanimate object I think of Charlie. His beautiful laugh echoeing in my ears. If every song I ever made would take his breath away, I write it all even more in love with him I'd fall. My beautiful baby boy.

Carl. He was there for me even when the world wasn't. Always behind my back saving me. He made me memories I would never have without him.

Glenn and Maggie . They took me in cared for me as there own, their like my parents.

Unscrewing the small screw on the side of the razor memories of Carl, Glenn and Maggie, Charlie even Daryl and carol bring me to tears. Working in the other side I fumble with the screw. I internally scream. I am so done. So done with life, with the dead, with me. I am done with me I am so imperfect.

Getting the small blade in my grip. I look at the mirror one more time. It is now completely covered in condensation.

I'm sorry

That is what I write on the mirror. Sorry for this. For leaving Charlie. Sorry for being such a screw up. For being me. That is what mean.

I hold the razor to the my skin. Sliding it along my skin a deep crimson liquid comes out. I don't flinch wanting to feel this pain. It's like I'm controlling everything that has gone wrong in my life. The stinging in my wrist moves up my arm. I close my eyes. Sobbing. Opening them to place the razor blade on my skin again

And again.

One more time.

Breaking down I lay on the dirty bathroom floor in a pool of my own blood. What can I do now? Drifting in and out of consciousness. I see a brighter light right where the door was. Loud thumps fill my ears. Who is that calling my name?

Why did I ever think I would survive. I have met my brutal end. I wasnt strong enough to save myself, I was to cowardly to even go out like a hero instead I am sitting here on the dirty bathroom floor of a prison pretending to shower so that I can kill myself.

This is the walking dead