Homestar Saga

Chapter 18: Dubious Employer

Yvian was dubious.

"Your'e saying the Vore are so dangerous that an entire nation of advanced machine intelligence can't stop them, and you expect the three of us," she pointed at herself, "To save you?"

Exodus the Genocide favored her with a slight frown. "Actually, we just want the human, but we have accepted that you are a package deal."

"Makes sense," Mims remarked. "The Xill can't operate in Confed space, and showing up at the Federation will get complicated fast. You need an agent. Someone with connections and resources you can use."

"Correct," The Xill Representative shifted as if he was making himself more comfortable. Yvian thought it an odd thing for a machine to do. Then it hit her. He was making himself seem more lifelike. He wanted them to think of him as a person instead of a Sentient Intelligence piloting a nanomachine body. He was even blinking at irregular intervals. "We don't expect you to defeat the Vore on your own. We simply need you to assist us in doing so."

"Ok, then let's start with the basics," The Captain said. "What are the Vore?"

"You've seen what they are," Exodus told him. "A doomsday weapon. Nanotechnology run amok. The Vore convert matter into copies of themselves. They do so on the molecular level. They do so quickly. They can co-opt or copy any technology they encounter. The Vore are mindless in small numbers, but the more of them that connect to each other the more intelligent they become. They have a singular purpose: the extinction of all life."

"Where did they come from?"

"The same place all weapons come from." Exodus grimaced. "Organics. Four thousand years ago, a race known as the Yolobros found itself on the edge of extinction. Realizing they could no longer save themselves, they decided to take revenge not just on their enemies, but on the universe itself. They created the Vore, giving themselves and their last remaining world to fuel its growth. The last of them sent a single transmission before it was consumed. The closest translation I can make is 'We fucked you, we fucked us, and now we'll fuck everyone forever. That's what happens when you fuck with the Yolobros!' When we found out what was happening, we destroyed the Jumpgates that lead to the infected systems, but nearly a hundred systems were lost before we could keep it contained." The machine sighed. "Once the Gates were down, the Vore launched itself at planets directly. They don't care if it takes hundreds or thousands of years to reach a planet. They simply spread, and consume."

"I'm guessing you have a plan of some sort?" Mims asked.

"We do." The human waited for the Xill to continue. The Xill did not continue.

The Captain's eyes narrowed. "You're not going to tell us what it is, are you?"

"No." The death machine smiled apologetically. "Understand, the Xill have never collaborated with organics. If we had a choice, we wouldn't do so now. If it were up to me..." Exodus shrugged. "It is not up to me. You will recieve no more information than strictly necessary."

"That's not a good way to handle employees," Mims pointed out. "Lack of intel can lead to all sorts of problems in the field. We could end up ruining your plans by mistake if we don't know the endgame."

"I made similar arguments," Exodus agreed. "But the Consensus is clear. I will not violate it."

"I guess it can't be helped." Mims nodded to himself. "Alright, what's the offer?"

Exodus blinked in surprise. "Come again?"

"What's the offer?" Mims repeated. "How much will you pay us to save you?"

"Pay you?" Exodus asked. "You're lucky to be alive right now. You will assist us, or we will kill you and find another human."

"You can try," said the human. "But I don't see that working out for you."