Homestar Saga

Chapter 54: Shoulda Woulda Coulda

"You should have stuffed them in cryo." Lissa took a swig of beer while Mims made use of the pizza cutter. The Random Encounter had jumped into the sector three hours ago, and was headed for Migo's shipyard on autopilot.

Mims shrugged. "They could have us up before a Magistrate if we did that." He finished cutting the Hawaiian pizza (Yvian's favorite) into eighths, and moved on to the pepperoni. "And it's not my job to protect people from their own decisions."

"The Magistrate?" Lissa raised an eyebrow as she took a slice of pepperoni. "After they tried to shoot you?"

"If I shot the mother and the little girl? Absolutely." Mims took a slice of pepperoni, himself. "Aggravated assault for sure, and maybe they could argue kidnapping." He took a bite and washed it down with beer. "We'd probably avoid conviction, but a felony charge would put us out of business for months before it was resolved, and a civil suit could drag on for years." He grimaced. "We don't need that kind of hassle."

Yvian swallowed a mouthful of pineapple deliciousness and asked, "Do people really sue you after saving them?"

"It's pretty common," said Mims. "I do things by the book and have one of the best legal teams in the Confed, and I still average a lawsuit every year or two." He took another bite, then added. "It's one of the reasons most people don't respond to distress calls. Hell, most privateers that do respond either sell the survivors or kill them off."

"That's horrible," Lissa said.

"That's life in the Confed." The Captain shrugged. He turned to Yvian. "Speaking of life in the Confed, what did I tell you about showing weakness?"

Yvian paused with a mouthful of pizza. She swallowed. "What?"

"You told the Tegarns you'd pay their way." Mims gestured with a beer bottle. "You showed weakness."

"I showed kindness," Yvian corrected.

"Exactly," said the human."Now they know you care. They'll take advantage."

"Take advantage how?" Yvian scoffed. "They're helpless civilians."

"What they are is desperate," Mims told her. "And that makes them dangerous."

"You're just saying that cause the kid tried to shoot you," Lissa interjected.

"Damn right," said the Captain. "Barely a day after watching me save his whole family, a ten year old boy tried to murder me in cold blood. If he'd succeeded, he'd have shot Yvian next." He gestured with a half eaten pizza slice as he spoke. "That's the kind of shit desperate people do."

"So, what?" asked Yvian. "I shouldn't try to help people?"

"Not generally, no," said Mims. "We're professional killers, Yvian. We can't afford to look soft."

"That doesn't mean we shouldn't help people when we can." "Yvian shot him a glower. Those flerg are so poor they're on the edge of Default. There's no reason we have to take their money."

"Maybe not," Mims admitted. He finished his beer, annoyingly casual. "But there's no reason to tell them we're helping, either."

Yvian almost fired off a retort before the last sentence sunk in. "Wait. Were you already planning something?"

The human snorted. "Hell no. I kill things. I'm not a charity." He cracked open another beer bottle. "But I don't have a problem with you riding to the rescue as long as they don't know that's what you're doing. Tell them insurance paid for it, or we charged the company or something." He finished his pizza slice and washed it down, then continued, "Be nice if you want. Just be smarter about it."