Homestar Saga

Chapter 96: Wheel Theory

"Crabs?" Yvian furrowed her eyebrows.

"Crabs," Mims confirmed. The human lounged in his chair, beer in hand. They were in the Encounter's kitchen. The Random Encounter itself was docked in New Pixa's largest shipyard. The four of them had been split up taking care of various projects, but the Captain had insisted they come together once a week for a meal and a meeting so everyone knew what was going on.

"What The Crunch is a crab?"

"Crabs are small, semi aquatic creatures with six legs, two pincers, and a carapace," the human explained. "They evolved separately in multiple places on Earth that was, and we've found variations of the species on every habitable world we've visited."

"Gribshit," said Lissa. "The Confed's got a bunch of class five planets, and I've never even heard of a crab."

"Oh yeah?" Mims fiddled with his wrist console. A holographic image appeared. A pair of small round creatures with red shells and eyestalks appeared. "Then what do you call these? I took this picture on Brilend Prime."

"Oh!" Yvian recognized the things. "Finaks!" Finak legs were considered a delicacy, especially in Flivvan space where she'd grown up. Yvian had always wanted to try them, but like most pixens she'd grown up eating protein paste. She only got the chance when Mims had taken her to the resort on Krog Prime. They turned out to be delicious. "I've eaten those!"

"Huh." Mims grunted. "Guess the translators still missing a few words here and there."

"Ok," said Yvian. "Finaks. What do finaks have to do with anything?"

"You asked why so many species were humanoid," Mims reminded her.

"Pixenoid," Lissa corrected.

"Whatever." Mims waved her off. "Something like seventy percent of all spacefaring species are bipedal omnivores that breath oxygen. Most of those species never interacted with eachother before they found their way into space. It's just like crabs."

"Ok, but why though?" asked Yvian. "And if we're all so similar, how come we can't interbreed?"

"That's the question, isn't it?" Mims swigged his beer. "No one knows for sure, but Wheel Theory is the most accepted explanation among humans."

"Wheel theory?" Lissa prompted.

"No matter who invents the wheel," the human explained, "the wheel is always round. Wheel Theory says similar evolutionary pressures tend to cause similar evolutionary results. Basically, most dominant species that develop will develop like pixens because it's one of the best ways to adapt."

"And the breeding?"

Mims shrugged. "We might look similar, and most of our organs are the same, but we're still different species with different DNA. A king crab and a snow crab might look alike, but they can't make babies." His brow furrowed. "At least, not without significant genetic tampering."

"We are off subject," Kilroy interjected. "We were speaking of our progress assimilating citizens into the Pixen Technocracy."

"Right," Yvian remembered. "And you said a bunch of them are missing the Guilds."

"Affirmative." As was his custom, Kilroy stood off to the side, having no need to either sit or drink beer. The poor guy. "Nearly sixty percent of pixens were employed by the Guilds in some fashion. They have no skills beyond providing adult entertainment. They are having difficulty finding purpose, and many of them have expressed a desire for..." A delicate pause. "Interspecies copulation." His eyes flashed pink. "They have started accosting Peacekeeper units."