Behind the scenes... (ENGLOT)

Chapter 21 || This is our end?

TW⚠️ //alcoholic, self harm (not eating), mental illnesses//

Engfa's pov:

You know how Charlotte and I were doing the best we ever have been? Well, I don't know what the fuck happened.
We argue all the time, we're always too "busy" for each other. Not only that, we're so distant.
Who knows what happened to be honest, maybe we didn't give enough time for each other to mature?
I really don't know what went wrong.
It's all wrong.
The sad thing is, we had our first biggest fight and it wasn't pretty.
We argued and argued making both of us wanting to get the last word, the saddest part is arguing broke us.
Charlotte moved back into her house.
Making me miss her and wish I wasn't stubborn, my heart tells me to call her or go over and re confess my love to her. Or tell her how much I want her back. How much I want us back.
To tell her how much I miss having her in my arms, but can I really when I don't feel that she wants to make that effort as much as I do.
It hurts me most cause I sometimes drive by her house but the only thing that catches my eyes is this specific car I've never seen before, I know it isn't Charlottes but I don't know what name to put for the owner of the vehicle.
What am I saying? I don't care who's car that is, Char will be mine again and I will never let her go again.
I will never make the same mistake on letting the best thing that has ever happened to me walk away, my only fear is does she want that?
Does she want our love again?
Does she want to feel our embrace again?
Or is it just me convincing myself she still loves me?

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It's been two months since Char and I split. Still no words exchanged. Still no effort being shown.

I don't get life. Why us? We already went through so much why make us like this?
We were doing so good at communication and balancing out our feelings and being mature in the relationship. Where did it go wrong?
What did I do wrong?
All I ever wanted was for her to love me? Did I not love her enough?
I'd sell my soul to start over to try harder and make sure this'll never happen. But i guess I'm too late, right?

I argued with myself making me go insane and do that one thing I couldn't bring myself to.
I grabbed my phone sliding through my contacts clicking the name I so dearly admire.

*ring ring*
I stare at the phone waiting for an answer hoping to maybe hear her voice. Me looking so desperately, i swear time went slower, the phone rang but right as I thought she answered. "Please send a voicemail after the beep"
I groaned out getting frustrated wanting to bury myself in alcohol.
I threw my phone before bringing myself to my kitchen.
I searched all my cabinets finding two wine bottle our friends hid a few weeks ago when checking up on me,
I took one bottle taking a big gulp, chugging down a big amount making me let out a burp afterwards.
I drank and drank trying to drown myself in it hoping the pain would stop, I never wanted this to happen. I just want my Char back, my rabbit.

When I finished the bottle I started to cry, I sobbed drenching my face in my sorrow tears. I cried and cried knowing this isn't gonna be the last time I'd be doing this...

I was right. It's been 3 weeks and I've done this almost everyday, the days I didn't meant I'm sleeping. I hated myself for it, but what I hate the most is she never picked up any of my calls, not once.
I don't know what I did to make her hate me, why doesn't she want to talk to me. Doesn't she miss me?
I wish she missed me the the way I miss her. The moments we had before all of this were all I ever dreamed about with her, my dream came true just to be broken apart.

Today I trudged my way into my room, bringing myself to wrap in my blankets to rot in. I can't take this no more, I took the wine glass drinking the remaining alcohol in it making me feel dizzy from the wine I previously drank. I've had so much alcohol in my system this past month, I don't even know If I'll be alive LMFAO
I started to feel all the alcohol kick in at once making me decide to put myself to sleep.

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I woke up to the grossest feeling, I felt my vomit spiralling it's way up my throat making me immediately get up running to the bathroom puking, once I finished puking, I flush the toilet before taking a look at myself.
God who am I? What did I do to myself?
I questioned myself until I realized I really didn't care, I took a shower getting ready before heading downstairs.
I sat at my dining counter table on my phone, before I knew it I had a cup of wine in my hand bringing it to my lips to drink out of, I know I should stop.
But I can't when I feel like nothing without her. I've caught on to the fact I've started to drink a lot, every morning and every night. I know it's bad but it feels like it's the best thing to do at this moment.

I checked the time seeing I missed breakfast since it's lunch hour now, I debated on eating but quickly deciding against it. I don't care if I eat or not since my appetite hasn't really been around, I've just been forgetting to eat or just didn't have time. I also haven't had a strong ache of hunger which is odd since I would usually always be eating something, wait. That's right, I did that when Char was here.
I sigh feeling down again pulling myself to continue my day doing whatever I felt like.

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Guys I'm so sorry for these few next chapters, but I think I ended up making this cause I felt gloomy 😭 oops

I promise I'll make up for it, or will I?

Please comment ur ideas and please vote for this book 🤗