How to Survive South Park

Sticks and Stones Can't Hurt My Bones

Kenny and I are at the junkyard close to his house and I'm making sure not a single person, homeless or otherwise, is around to hear what I'm about to tell him.

"Ok, dude. Something is clearly up with you so just tell me what the deal is already."

"Sorry. I have to make sure nobody is around. So I'll be blunt, remember that android guy pretending to be Bill Cosby who came back to save the world from Cartman's Trapper Keeper? I'm kind of like him."

Kenny gives a surprised look under his hoodie and motions at me to go on.

"Unlike him however, I'm from what I guess you could call a completely different timeline. One where I know what is going to happen to you guys for the next eight years or so. I also know the majority of what has happened to this town and the people in it since about 1997."

"Ok, not the most batshit insane thing I've ever heard. Mind giving me some proof?"

I start to share some basic fan knowledge of the blond from his immortality curse which immediately catches his attention to his old exes Kelly and Tammy to his Mysterion alter ego and a few other things that most if not everyone here shouldn't have a clue about. This does its job and convinces him to help out and he asks why I'm here or rather what needs to be stopped.

"Well, I didn't come here on purpose. That was Morgan Freeman's fault. But there are quite a few world ending events that I would like to stop if possible. Two of which should be happening in the next week." And that's only the final battles for each game. We've got a whole lot of content to cover beforehand.

I give him a basic rundown of what's supposed to happen in SOT and TFBW and he seems shocked that he goes crazy and betrays everyone a few days from now. He admits to wanting the stick himself but he never thought he would go that far.

"Wow, ok. So we all go through some serious shit in the next week. I'm guessing you want to stop most of that."

"Something like that, yeah. And I'm gonna need your help for that. Mind lending me a hand?"

Kenny readily agrees and asks me what I need.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure if you know how to do this now but in the future, you end up turning me into a Netherborn to help you save your sister."

"WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED TO KAREN?!?"

"Woah, calm down, Ken. She was "turned" into a vamp kid and went to their leader, Mike's party at Casa Bonita. We head over there to get her back and you gave me those powers because in your words "The only way to fight the darkness is with cooler, not-lame darkness". But we can stop that if you want."

Kenny agrees to this and luckily for me, he figured out how to give others Netherborn powers a few months ago.

(A/N: It never states when exactly Kenny learns how to do this but for story purposes, i'll say he has learned how to already since he figured out more about himself and Netherborns in general years ago in the superhero trilogy back in season 14.)

We go through the ritual or whatever the process is supposed to be and I can feel incredible power surging within me. My outfit then goes from the starter warrior clothes (Which I changed into before I left Cartman's house. No magical outfit changes yet.) to the Netherborn class garb in game. The power's corresponding DLC battle soundtrack starts playing in my head as I look in amazement at the dark blue aura surrounding me.

'Is this what Superman and Goku feel like? I feel incredible!' Kenny snaps me out of my daze as he asks me if I need any help using these powers. A tutorial wouldn't hurt I guess.