How to Survive South Park

Gotta Catch Em' All

Now I've never been the most... perceptive person during the morning, but even I can notice when I wake up in a different room than the one I slept in, especially after that one time I woke up on the fucking Moon (no, I still haven't forgiven Timmy for that prank and I probably never will if given the chance to).

"T.K, last I checked, my bedroom was that of a typical kid. It has a bed, some drawers, and a desk. So why the fuck am I in some high class Victorian mansion-esc bedroom? As comfortable as this king sized bed is, it sure as fuck isn't where I went to sleep. Did you have P.T.K. build a mansion around me or something?"

(("P.T.K. needed to undergo some major renovations after merging with Planet Plymouth, so I had Red move you into her castle."))

"You had Red move me?! The same girl you said was giving quote unquote 'yandere vibes' recently?"

(("I made sure she didn't try anything funny. She got the message after a couple shocks. Her colorful swears and threats to my nonexistent kneecaps were futile."))

"Lovely. So what's on the agenda for today?"

(("Besides going over the specifics for P.T.K, Red also wants to go shadow hunting and is eager to hear your recommendations for what new powerful minions she should acquire throughout spacetime."))

"So we're basically doing the South Park version of Pokemon hunting?"

(("The South Park version of Pokemon is Chinpokomon."))

"You know what I mean!"

Once I'm done bickering with my South Parker take on the classic anime system, I go meet up with my only non-artificial partner.

There's plenty of work to be done and even more ideas on how to do it popping up in my head; time to go fuck with this reality some more.

"Okay, so you know a bit about the Star Wars Expanded Universe, right?"

"Yeah. What does this have to do with P.T.K?" Red asks me.

"Well, you know what the Star Forge is? We're basically gonna do a bigger version of that."

After processing what I said for a few seconds, the dark angel starts giggling.

"What?"

"Pfffft, and you wonder why I'm into you. You're basically a more badass version of Kevin Stoley, you frickin' sci-fi nerd. But doesn't the Star Forge need a star to power it? It's kinda in the name."

For those of you who aren't Star Wars: Extended Universe fans, the Star Forge is basically a massive ancient dark side superweapon (as if there aren't enough of those around already) that acts as an automated army-building yard.

It drew energy from a nearby star and, when combined with the power of the 'Force', was capable of creating an endless supply of ships, droids, weapons, and other materials to use for war.

So there are three main parts to make this endless army-generator work. A giant power source, an automated factory to pump out anything you need, and a way to generate endless materials out of thin air because the Force isn't a thing here.

Yep; while Tauntauns and the Death Star and Darth Vader and lightsabers and pretty much everything else Star Wars-related is actually real here (and in the possession of Mickey Mouse as of season 16), the Force itself isn't, or at the very least, was never shown to be a thing in the reality of South Park.

But that's okay because there just so happens to be good replacements for all three of those requirements; you simply need to know where to look for them.