How to Survive South Park

A Little Problem Called Plot

"Goodnight, little man. I hope you're as happy as we are. Everything is going to be better now that we're in this quiet little mountain town." HAH! AS FUCKING IF!

New Kid's mom shuts the door as I lay in bed, mentally preparing myself for what's about to happen and praying that Kenny doesn't screw this up. A few minutes later, a light blue beam of light shoots through my window and I do everything I can to calm my nerves and pretend to be asleep as several visitors enter my room. I can feel them staring at me before one shoots what I'm gonna call a space taser at me and then knocks me out.

Wait, was it actually called a "Space Taser" in game? I have a hard time remembering right now as I'm currently blacking out and/or short circuiting from this gray popsicle stick looking bitches' space taser.

I wake up briefly a few times to see myself being dragged outside and through a spaceship only for me to get put down and sounds of blasts and frantic mooing surround me as I fall back into unconsciousness. I wake back up again in a daze only to see none other than Mysterion on top of me asking if I'm ok.

I hold back the fangasm for now and take a look around to see that I'm next to where Mr. Slave is getting probed.

"Should we go free the others?" Kenny asks in his Batman-esque voice.

(A/N: No muffles means no italics for Kenny. Mysterion doesn't muffle, Mysterion kicks fucking ass while sounding like Batman.)

"No. They make it out ok in can- the future without me doing anything so we should be fine. I don't want to complicate things any more than I already have. Change too much and the butterfly effect will prevent me from knowing what's to come."

Kenny nods in agreement as we make our way through the ship with him showing off the full might of a Netherborn. It seems like I gave him some inspiration earlier since he is using all sorts of creative attack combinations with his powers. I try replicating some myself but end up failing miserably. It seems like he has much better control over these powers which makes sense since he's had them his whole life along with his other hundred or so lives cut short by a certain TV show's running gag while I haven't even had them for 24 hours.

I see him launching punches and kicks coated in a flaming dark blue aura and shifting his own weight when using Dark Whisper to pull enemies towards him or pull himself towards enemies or anything in between that. I barely even get a chance to fight here as Kenny is always taking the lead and only seems to be improving after every fight.

Watching him makes me realize a terrible truth. All this time, my opponents have been little kids flailing their weapons around trying to hit me. I haven't been much different since besides doing some basic combo attacks, I've been essentially charging in full force without much rhyme or reason. Kenny on the other hand is nothing short of a fighting expert with one complex combo attack after another being thrown out for maximum damage and minimum stamina loss.

'Barely experimenting on my ass! You're like a pro at this already!' I pout as a visitor gets drop-kicked off one of the floating platforms. How did he access or even come up with this stuff? Wait a second...

"SYSTEM!!!" I cry out.

Cue an uncomfortable amount of silence between me, Kenny, and a couple visitors.

"...Well, it was worth a shot. Continue." Kenny laughs at me for way too long before going back to beating up the cosmic gray twigs.

An hour or so later, most of the ship is cleared out with us staring at the entrance to where the first Nazi Zombie encountered in the game is.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Here's the stuff you wanted me to buy, Dovahkiin."