How to Survive South Park

Changing the Future, Take 2

*Knock Knock Knock*

"Honey? Your friends are at the door and they want you to come out and play." Well, shit. What the hell do I do now?

I'm all alone and I have no contingencies or backup plans for this.

Timmy Burch hasn't surpassed Cartman, Wendy, and myself as the biggest sociopathic mastermind in South Park and Kenny McCormick's head still looks like a fucking orange hair dryer with his parka on.

Here, I'm not the guy who challenged every evil faction on the face of the planet and actually won (albeit barely and this is excluding the shit Butters just pulled after going absolutely batshit insane). Here, I'm just regular old Douchebag.

Pretty ironic considering this is New Kid's fate once the South Parkers switch from playing Stick of Truth to Fractured but Whole, the moment in time I just so happened to end up in. The guy went from being the king to being nothing.

Same with me. I'm basically back to square one again.

...Well, I guess that isn't entirely true.

I still know how to build the irl spaceship equivalent of a Star Destroyer using some random scraps from wrecked Visitor ships, how to hack into most highly secure networks out there with only an iphone and some spite, and how to combine various satanic and eldritch magic spells into the equivalent of a nuclear bomb.

I can name the exact locations of almost every secret and/or important facility the ads, member berries, gingers, Legion of Doom, Super Adventure Club, and U.S. government have.

I can recite from memory Timmy's seven different backup plans to take over the world if he gets bored or annoyed with the planet's various governments (with each one being tailor-made for a different year/season in canon) step by step, not that he ever got the chance to test any of the non-expired ones out thanks to ManBearPig.

The list goes on and on, but what really takes the center spotlight in my current resume is the dozens of different abilities I amassed over the last 5 years.

That and I trained hard. Extremely hard.

New Kid soon gets down and is probably gonna go start up his daily dose of LARPing by kicking ass as king as that's how the start of this game goes in canon. I was originally gonna let him go do this thing, but I then remember what Kenny made me promise before I left.

While I never actually agreed to the promise, I can't just ignore his last request like that. I place my hand on New Kid's shoulder and tell him to wait.

Now the New Kid in SOT, TFBW, and Phone Destroyer is a lot of things and easily manipulable is one of them. Cartman plays the kid like a fiddle in canon and they spend all their time working their ass off for everyone in town all throughout the games they're in.

Now while this is understandable when you're playing as New Kid in these games since a video game has to have actual content for its main character to go through, it's basically slavery and abuse in real life. New Kid doesn't deserve that crap.

"Listen, if you thought South Park's fantasy game was traumatizing, then the next few days are going to be nothing short of pure hell for you. I went through it myself and it really fucked me up beyond belief. I can help make things easier for you, past me, but I'm gonna need you to do exactly as I say, ok?"

He continues to just stare at me. This is gonna be a bit annoying.

"Just nod once if you understand and twice if you don't." He nods once and I smile.