How to Survive South Park

The Story of New Kid - Soldier, Poet, King, and Dragonborn

A bright, golden light encompasses everything in sight and I power up to my absolute max while layering myself in all the shields and barriers I can. This is the energy Freeman and the other gods use, the real gods, so I can't take any chances here.

I don't want to risk being erased from reality itself.

The light eventually dissipates with me finding myself standing in the middle of a grass field. The grass is about as tall as I am and there doesn't seem to be anything else notable around for miles.

'T.K?'

(("I'm as lost as you are."))

Well, at least we don't seem to be affected by whatever that was. That's a start.

(("From the looks of it, that wave of golden light was a Temporal Incongruity Overflow, or in other words, the entire timeline was altered and anything that didn't fit this new 'version', bar us, would be deleted.

Immediate estimates show that if we had been at the level we were at after absorbing Cthulhu for the first time or weaker, we would've been completely erased as this timeline literally re-wrote itself in an instant.")) Well that's... terrifying.

I start to fly into the air so I get a better view of my surroundings and soon see a bunch of people running far out in the distance.

(("Those aren't just any people."))

'...You gonna clarify what you mean, or just trail off for dramatic effect?'

(("Just go investigate.")) Alright, jeez.

I head over while turning invisible (I used Fastpass/Jimmy's 'Blind Side' ability in case you were curious) and hiding my energy so as to not draw any attention to myself. When I take a closer look, I see none other than Chris and Kelly running away with some military guys close behind them.

For those of you who have forgotten, Chris and Kelly are the names of New Kid's parents. They are also carrying an infant New Kid with them as they run from the government.

'I remember this scene from New Kid's origin story at the end of TFBW. Did Past New Kid send us back in time?'

(("At the very least, the current scene is similar to what you saw in that origin story. I also picked up on two experimental drugs in Chris's pocket that he no doubt stole from this facility during his family's escape.

One is the drug that alters the ass and digestive tract of a person enough to rip Timefarts if enough is periodically consumed (which New Kid's parents and likely the government as well believe to actually be a drug that curbs New Kid's social media powers based off of our canon knowledge) while the other one is a drug designed to interfere with the functionality of the amygdala, the part of the brain that processes emotions and memories."))

'So the mind-wipe drug they stupidly use to keep New Kid in the dark. Said drug is also likely at least partly why New Kid's emotions are so muted when entering South Park and dealing with a full dose of its crazy bullshit.

It would definitely explain why the kid doesn't remember anything from before he moved to South Park and pretty much thought he just popped into existence. And if his parents had been continuously slipping it to him...'

(("Perhaps New Kid's parents also intended for this drug to help prevent their kid from making friends by having the guy become emotionless and awkward to be around, a Plan B just in case the other drug they grabbed doesn't work as intended, which we both know is the case."))

'That's fucked up, but I can see the logic there. Unfortunately, they failed to realize that by using this to prevent the government from fucking up their kid, they themselves were fucking up their kid in a completely different way.