Better Not Be Love

Entry No : 366

12.00 PM

I finally got some shut-eye yesterday. Last evening, John approached me and apologized for having me do all the work, even stating that he should take full responsibility from then on. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I felt relieved. Although his sudden change in attitude befuddled me, I did not push him. I should enjoy it while it lasts.

Anyway, I got up early this morning and managed to complete several tasks. I had to review the previous scene at least seven times in order to ensure we had every prop for the subsequent scenes. The more I viewed the sequences, the more I was captivated by River's skills. Nathaniel had pretty much handed her the entire project, and she was doing rather well for an amateur. As someone who has followed her work from the start, I can tell she is improving at an incredible rate. Two more projects such as this, and she'll be an ace in this field, and I was really looking forward to it.

Ali mentioned that he was meant to chauffeur the female director today, so I offered him to go instead, and when he wondered why, I just claimed that I had some spare time. I was anticipating spending more time with just River when I noticed Carla with her. She apparently was keen on working even on an off day. I brought it up to her, but her entire response was vague. River kept closely monitoring our discussion, and I often imagined what was really going through her head. She just stares aimlessly at something and then goes about her business as if she has not zoned out.

Well, as a plus point, she looked a lot better today, and I told her so. She insisted on returning the food container, but I asked her to keep it for herself. Maybe I'll ask for it later, when I have no more excuses to talk to her. She was skeptical at first, but then she abruptly changed her mind, as if the food container were so significant. She can be a bit odd at times, which I find fascinating.

Throughout the car journey, I mostly chatted with Carla; however, I positioned my rear-view mirror such that I could see River. She had her eyes closed and a faint smile on her lips, like she was simply enjoying the drive. The breeze swept her hair backward, displaying her serene face. It was unusual to see her in such a good mood; she was either always stressed or had a bitchy expression.

Carla brought up the subject of relationships unexpectedly, and I sensed River's gaze on me. I played it off, not wanting to cause a misunderstanding, but Carla was not having it. That unbelievable woman even asked if I was homosexual. And I nearly slammed on my brakes when she declared girls swing both ways without effort and urged River for confirmation; however, she said nothing, and that's when Carla dropped the bomb. She proposed that we date since we both worked excessively. I'm absolutely certain I forgot how to breathe. River sat firmly in her seat, glaring at the backrest of Carla's without blinking. I was deathly scared she'd say something like, "Why would I date him?" or "Who is he for me to date?" so I quickly dismissed it as a joke. I'm still curious about what River might have said if I hadn't intervened. But I guess I'm too much of a wimp to hear her thoughts on me. I was frightened of being rejected even before getting a chance to let her know of my feelings. Yet I also know I'd never confess to her in this lifetime. I can't be that greedy. All I could do was marvel at her from afar. I should be glad for at least having her remember my name.

Currently, I am sitting in my tent, waiting for the shoot to be over. River is super busy, and I hope I can talk to her during our ride back.

............................

2.00 AM

FUCK!!! RIVER ALECIA LANDON WANTS TO SLEEP WITH ME!

What the hell is going on here? I can't even grip this pen properly as it keeps slipping from my sweaty fingertips, and the paper is soaked, but I don't care. I need to get it out of my system. I can't talk to anyone, and all I can do is write, even if it means my handwriting looks like crow shit.

River looked like she was joking at first, but eventually she got serious. She even drew me closer to her face, so close that I could practically feel her breath on me, and I swear my soul left my body and strolled around paradise before returning.

If Carla hadn't intervened, I am positive I might have either leaned in and kissed her or, worse, accepted her offer. I would have surely made a huge fool of myself, and I thank my lucky stars for sending that clueless woman at the perfect time.

I was still disoriented as I walked back, but Carla's reminder that River doesn't date was a punch to the gut. It was true, though. River has never been in a relationship.

She seemed awfully calm on the way back, and Carla was fast asleep, so I had plenty of time and space to gather my thoughts. I finally concluded that she was teasing me and that I had been misled. I informed her I realized she was trying to be sarcastic prior to dropping her off so that things wouldn't be awkward between us, yet I was upset—at least a crazy part of me was.

However, River's revelation that she was attracted to me left me flabbergasted. It stung to believe I could have a shot with her. Then the agony bubble popped when she said she'd get over me once we slept together. I wanted to scream at her and at myself, but instead all I could do was sit in stunned silence.

I've been pacing back and forth for the last three hours since my ridiculous heart won't stop hammering. I can't help but feel greedy for more now that I know River is interested in me. If I don't respond to her, maybe she won't get over me. She's said she'll never want to have more, but what would happen if I tried? Perhaps the universe was throwing me a golden chance, and I would be a fool not to grab it.

I've already purchased a train ticket to my relative's place. I'll be leaving in less than an hour. A stupid part of me wants River to miss me, wants to challenge her, and wants her to crave more. And if that requires me to be selfish, then so be it.

...................................

Don't forget to vote and comment...