Better Not Be Love

CHAPTER 35 - OPENING UP

The silence stretched, and Eugene's lack of response grew more noticeable. It made me acutely aware of the sounds of nature surrounding us: the gentle lapping of water, the chirping of birds, and the whispering breeze. It felt as though I existed alone in the vast outdoors, consumed by a sense of terror. The fear of being left behind gnawed at my heart, along with the dread of returning to solitude. I had embraced my aloneness for years, but now the mere thought of it sends shivers down my spine. But rather than reacting with anger or frustration, Eugene exuded a surprising calmness that caught me off guard.

"You never said you would."

I avoided meeting his eyes, uncertain of his emotional state. I couldn't bear to reveal my vulnerability, afraid he would witness my pathetic facade. However, I knew I had to be fair to Eugene and confront my torment and old scars. I braced myself, prepared to face the storm, as he deserved nothing less than complete honesty.

"My father always wanted a son, but he got me instead. He wasn't disappointed, though, and his love for me remained unwavering, shaping our bond into something unconventional. He treated me like a son, and naturally, I became a tomboy. I learned martial arts alongside him and engaged in various outdoor sports. My father's unorthodox upbringing made me embrace boyish traits wholeheartedly, to the extent that when my little sister April arrived, my mom was adamant that she wouldn't let him raise her like me."

I chuckled, reminiscing about my childhood and the headaches I caused my mom. It wasn't until I turned thirteen that I started growing my hair, finally saying goodbye to the era of boyish cuts. The first time I wore a dress to a family event, my own uncle mistook me for someone else. Interestingly, these transformations also had an unexpected impact on my social life.

"Due to my nature, I never really dated anyone because boys stayed away from me. They didn't want a girl who could beat them up or had calloused hands. However, my roughness fascinated girls, and they saw me as their protector. I don't think I am attracted to girls because, regardless of everything, I didn't feel that kind of connection with them. But I enjoyed being their tough friend."

"I'm not surprised." Eugene's voice resonated with subtle amusement, reverberating in my ears. I shifted my gaze to observe a duck gracefully gliding with its three companions in the crystal-clear water. I paused, my breath catching in my throat, feeling the irregular rhythm of my lungs and the relentless pounding of my heart, mirroring the intensity of my emotions. Apprehension washed over me, silently praying that the brewing turmoil wouldn't trigger a full-blown panic attack. Such an occurrence would surely startle Eugene to the core.

"I was fifteen back then. I worked evening shifts at Burger King during my summer vacation, and I remember it being just another rainy evening as I hurriedly made my way home. I normally avoid dimly lit alleys, but it was getting late, and I promised April I would be back before she returned from daycare. If I had known how much that decision would change my life, I would have never taken it."

Every memory crashed upon me, engulfing my mind like a powerful wave. I swam in an emotional whirlpool, drowning deeper into the abyss of that fateful day, etched in my memory with resolute clarity. While the details slowly faded into oblivion, their significance diminishing over time, the essence of the event remained vivid and unchanged. However, just as despair threatened to consume me entirely, a comforting touch broke through the turmoil, a gentle hand slipping over mine and squeezing it.

"You don't have to do it." Eugene's voice broke through, laden with concern and sadness, and a rush of emotions swept over me. As I gazed into his eyes, I could detect a blend of emotions. It was a poignant moment, and although tears welled up uncontrollably, they weren't solely borne out of sorrow. After all, twelve years had passed, and tears had become woven into the fabric of my everyday life. Despite the weight of the occasion, sharing my past life with Eugene brought an undeniable sense of familiarity and comfort.