dear diary | minsung

15

5/9/2014

dear diary,
fucking hell why do such small things need to make me feel insecure? there's so many pretty people around me and then there's me. just look at me like how the fuck does a person like me exist, i feel so horrible. you know i just sometimes wish i can throw myself into aa trash can or something (where i belong hahaha). i want to just evaporate from this planet like water when it's left out in the sun for too long. i never fucking signed up for this shit i didn't even ask to be birthed on this stupid fucking planet why the fuck am i feeling this useless fucking horrible ass nonsense when i don't even know the reason i fucking exist. i swear i have the shittest class to ever exist, i seriously fucking wish my friends were in my class this is fucking horrible.

i don't even fucking know why schools do this rubbish, im sure it's just a way to bully all the fucking students this. they say it's for health like no you fucking bitch of a motherfucking asshole cunt ass bitch, it's not, it's just a way to make students insecure of themselves, that's fucking it.

yea so today during they were checking weight and height (shitty fucking things) and at that time literally almost ALL my classmates were underweight and the pe teacher was like "yes good ur pretty" like first of all bitch that's fucking unhealthy. yea so it was my turn last and when he checked my weight it was like 8 kgs above the stupid so called fucking standard (im a healthy weight for my height) and he had the fucking audacity to laugh at me?? omg so great it's not like im not insecure about my shitty face, the way i look, my personality and every fucking thing about myself, my body was the only thing i honestly liked (very little) and you plan on doing this rubbish. and then after that to rub more salt on the wound the asshole is like "you know even that seonghwa is so much prettier than you"  and the whole class EXCEPT THE POOR BOY SEONGHWA LAUGHED. BITCH HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF YOU COW LOOKING PIECE OF SHIT OF A SO CALLED TEACHER. still made me feel humiliated and horrible, i mean i know im not the best at sports and the teacher already hates me so much but this went too far and now i (not) surprisingly hate every part of my stupid self. and fuck these hormones too man i never signed up for this unnecessary rubbish in my life. anyways seonghwa was really nice about it later and almost cursed out that hung curd looking piece of turd on behalf of me which i love him for. i swear i almost broke down crying because of horrible it felt but maybe i deserve it.

i then came home in a pissy mood and ended up arguing with eomma and appa, it was bad. i just need a hug ok, im a shitty teenager just trying to survive a life that i did not ask for. but still, seonghwa is so goddamn pretty and i still don't believe him when he said im nice looking because look at him and then look at me. i hate the way im so sensitive to such stupid shit and my anxiety isn't helping me in anyway for this. i just want to vent about everything to someone who i trust without being a burden them, i just want to a shoulder to fucking cry on, i know i have my friends but my dumbass just doesn't trust them that much. these are the days i need a nice big hug from changbin, that sweet boy gives the best hugs im telling you. once you hug him you want to hug him forever and keep him in your pocket because he's just that precious. yea and also seonghwa prolly thinks im such a pussy for not standing up for myself infront the of the teacher. my class, they're all so popular and rich and pretty, but look at me, how much more fucking idiotic can i get. anyways that's it, thanks for coming to my shitty ass useless vent

- love, min