Loving Madness

3. Valium Cove

Medication- Yungblud

I swim in and out of reality many times after that. Although it was never a full version of reality, it was always some warped version of it that I would later find out was a natural defense mechanism my mind had developed. To tell you the truth, it could've been a few days or many years. Time had no importance in my state of mind. Then again I had no state of mind, just a black hole, an abyss. At least at this point, I wasn't feeling any of the emotions I would feel later on. I should've been grateful to my mind for shielding me from the worst of it.

Hell, time wasn't even a factor. I only caught glimpses of the real world, but even those were distorted. I could feel the physical things, like the stings of needles and the sudden chill when the air rushes past me, but on the visual side of things, nothing makes sense. One of the only things I was aware of was the cast on my arm. And for some reason, it irritated the piss out of me. I tried and tried to get it off, to no avail. Sometimes bugs would come crawling out and others it was a neat confetti blaster.

However, I am still a quick learner. I guess I'm not totally fucked yet because of that slight awareness. I've learned not to fight against my broken mind. To just go along with whatever delusions fill my mind. Or whatever is left of it. It's easier that way. To just drift.

If I try to fight it, it fights back. Like my only purpose now is to let the images drag me along. Maybe it is. At first, the delusions scared me. Because I knew that they weren't real. I still do, but I don't care anymore. Because what happens when I try to deny them is much, much worse. Purposefully putting the images that my mind broke itself to protect me from into my head. The hauntingly happy faces of my parents minutes before their departure from this world. The helpless feelings I experienced when I had no signal on my cell phone. The terrifying laugh that escaped my lips after learning of my parent's deaths. The faces of the doctors surrounding me as a part of me dies.

So instead I lie back and enjoy the ride as much as possible. It's sometimes uncomfortable. The way the things shift is sudden and sharp as if I'm changing the channel on a T.V. The colorful scenery, the strange men and women in white who speak some foreign tongue to me, but my favorites still seem to be the impossible animals that I've gained the trust of. The elephant with three heads and eight legs sometimes even lets me ride him. For some reason the only name I could come up with for him was Spot. He doesn't like that though. He said his name is Templeton but that seems a bit too fancy for such a wonder. The scenery is incredible from all the way up here. Cotton candy fields on one side and chocolate rivers on the other. But I can never eat any of it. I wonder why that is...

Sorry, that went way off-topic. Anyways let's get back to it.

I was slowly starting to really feel everything. Emotionally anyway. Despair, dread, and most of all anxiety. My friends were no longer coming to see me. It's like they never even existed in the first place. Even after I promised Templeton I would no longer call him Spot, he still stayed away. Sometimes I cried begging anyone to come back. Even the strange-looking men and women who spoke like aliens.

Realization slowly began to hit me. I was alone. The emotional pain had me wrapping myself with my arms, trying to keep from bursting into a million little pieces. I had no one. I felt as though I couldn't breathe. Everything was crushing me. No one in this world to care for me or me to care for at all. I ached. Ached for a mother, a father. Hell, even a friend who was worth a fuck. I was missing my mom and dad. I wanted my life back. I guess perfection can't last in any reality. Reality was devastating and full of loss.

I was beginning to hear things again too. Not just the voices that I knew deep down weren't real. They were very negative. Telling me to do awful things. Wonderfully awful things. Like there had always been a beast inside me and it took this horrific thing to finally bring her out.

For the first time in what seems like years, words were beginning to reach me. They didn't sound like aliens either. Well, what I assume aliens would sound like. I understood that it was my language and if I really focused I could make out what the voices were saying. It exhausted me to focus on them so I only caught snippets like-

"Mayslee, can you hear me?"

"We are slowly taking your medication away."

Of course, my mind was still too much of a mess to figure out what they really meant until much later, but for now, the ignorance was bliss.

Slowly but surely, the delusions that had been my biggest protector began to fade and the reality of my situation was revealed.

One day, I woke up and I could see everything. No colors, no strange people, no Templeton. And quite honestly I was petrified. The room I was in was bland. I wasn't used to this, this was alien to me. White puffy walls, a small cot on which I assume I had been lying, and a small observatory window in the only door. I didn't notice that I had gotten up and walked to the wall. God, I was already losing time. As I'm running my fingers along the puffy off-white walls of my cell, I see my fingers for the first time. The crescents of my fingernails were crusted with a dark red substance. My mind took a few minutes of staring at my fingers to identify the substance as blood.

I began to panic as I recognized it. What if, in my state of mind, I hurt someone?

The voice inside me chooses this exact moment to speak up.

Serves them right. Maybe we ripped their throats out and feasted on their blood.

"No!" I shouted. My voice scared me. It came out as more of an animalistic growl.

That wasn't me. I didn't hurt people. Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't be in that low of a place to where I would hurt someone else. I wrapped my hands around my midsection and rocked slowly back and forth.

Before I could spiral too far into that rabbit hole the door cracked open and a woman's half-hopeful face peaked through the door.

"Mayslee, can you hear me?" her voice was higher pitched with almost a cartoon-like quality.

All I could do was look at her, with wide eyes, and nod. I didn't trust my voice. I was spiraling badly inside and I didn't trust her either. Her face completely lit up at my acknowledgment of her question. Like it was some considerable accomplishment.

She then stepped fully into view, of course keeping the door within touching distance. She was short and stumpy. Not quite enough to be considered a midget but close enough. She looked about her mid-40s with short blonde hair flecked with slivers here and there. Her eyes were a startling shade of green that left me with an uneasy feeling. She looked slightly worried, but not enough to make it seem like she was scared of me, which was a good sign.

"Mayslee, I am Dr. Sampson. You are currently in Valium Cove Mental Health Facility. Do you know how long you have been here?" she said the words slowly as if speaking to someone who was just learning English. She didn't make any sudden movements, just stood there waiting for a response. But little did she know I was already shut down, falling into a place where even the crows couldn't shit on me. I was building a cocoon around myself. An invincible barrier. One that no one could ever get in again. Or so I thought.