Loving Madness

12. Cracks

Back to Black- Amy Winehouse

I continued living in my bubble of ignorant bliss for weeks. The nagging feeling in my gut just wouldn't go away. The lies were never far from my mind, but they were especially present during my sessions with Dr. Sampson. If she noticed the distance I had put between us, she didn't say anything. Sebastian definitely noticed the distance, and he asked me about it constantly. I told him I was just having a rough period, but he didn't believe me.

I didn't put near as much distance between Sebastian and I, as I did with the doctor. Life went on, until one day, I couldn't hold it in anymore. Usually, I was able to push the intrusive thoughts out of my mind, but today, they just wouldn't go away. I know I can't just ask him outright, but I can go ahead and poke holes in the things the doctor told me. I had to be subtle about this though.

"You know," I start one day while Sebastian and I are strewn across his bed reading some magazines the doctor had brought. "I wonder why we seem to get more privileges than everyone else. I mean, believe me, I'm not complaining." I say this as nonchalantly as possible as if it was just a passing thought. I feel him freeze, only for a moment, and relax again. So, something is up. He might actually be in on it with the doctor. Please don't let him be in on it.

"I don't know, I never really noticed. But now that you mention it, it does seem kind of odd." His voice is smooth, but I was expecting that. There was a small strain to it, that only someone paying attention would've noticed. He was concerned or worried about the questions I was asking. "Although, to be honest, it isn't really that big of a deal." He said dismissively. If I would have only been paying attention to his eyes, I never would have noticed the hint of deception.

We continued to bullshit and joke about things that didn't matter, but I had one more question to ask him. I couldn't shake the feeling and I couldn't concentrate on anything. Even the naughty fantasies that were constantly on my mind couldn't cover up the nagging feeling in my gut.

"Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer, I'm just curious." I say slowly. I make it seem as though I am embarrassed to ask, but in reality, I am damn near on the edge of my seat.

"Of course, Mayslee. What is it?" He leans towards me and for a moment I get lost in his eyes and his smell. It momentarily stuns me and I lean closer toward him. I want to let him make me forget everything. I want to drink him in and taste his lips. I see the hunger and lust cloud his vision and it is enough to bring me back down to earth. Wow, that took a turn. Get it together. I have to get answers.

"What happened? The actual event that stole your family? As I said, you don't have to tell me. I'm just curious and I don't mind telling you about my accident either." I ramble for a moment, thinking that he won't tell me. To my surprise, he is very upfront about it.

"My parents died in a car crash, same as yours." He says and stays tight-lipped about any other details. My anger rises and I feel my control slipping. I won't give him the satisfaction of knowing that he tricked me. He and the doctor. I make the decision to cut all contact with him and the doctor. I had caught both of them in lies. The doctor should know what caused Sebastian to lose his mind. As a matter of fact, looking back, he had only ever had one breakdown since I had known him. Of course, he could be having nightmares, but I still had three to four breakdowns a week.

He seemed to be a very logical-thinking person and very curious as well. He always asked random questions he wanted to know about me. Not just what was my favorite color, but detailed questions that required thought. Giving me scenarios about what I would do. We had discussions about things that could possibly happen or be happening. Conspiracy theories too. Not that we actually believed in any of them, but what else did we have to do?

It just didn't make any sense. I didn't have any direction to take this. What could they possibly be hiding? Did he murder his parents? Is he actually a psycho? I didn't think so, but then again, neither did Ted Bundy's girlfriend. I couldn't allow myself to be close to people who were only going to lie to me about things. But I also couldn't cut him off without giving him an opportunity to tell me the truth. Dr. Sampson, not so much, that was an easy amputation.

"Sebastian, I know you and Dr. Sampson are lying about something. This is your one and only opportunity to tell me the truth." I look him in the eyes, trying to will him to understand how serious I was and how much it would hurt me to cut him off. But I had to do what was best for me. I had to make sure I was taken care of and if they wanted to lie to me, they could stay on their side of the hallway. I would probably get all of my privileges revoked again, but I didn't care. I just wanted to know the truth.

"Mayslee, I have no idea what you're talking about." It was like a truck to the chest. He made his priorities clear. I was done. He looked almost panicked. As if he wanted to tell me but couldn't, or simply wouldn't. I wasn't sure which one, but I wasn't going to stick around to find out. That was one of the things I loved, correction, love about him. His honesty. No matter how awful something was, I thought I could count on him to tell me the truth. I had put my trust in the wrong person.

I get up, looking him in the eyes and speaking slowly and clearly, giving my words time to sink in.

"Sebastian, I am no longer continuing whatever this is." I motion to the space between us as I speak. "I don't know why you guys are lying and I might be crazy, but I am not stupid. You have made your choice and I am making mine. Please leave me alone. You are no longer welcome inside my room." As I speak these words, my heart fractures just a little bit more and most of the band-aids he had helped me place were ripped off and I was left bleeding.

I rushed to get into my room and hide under the covers. Then I lost it. I let myself fall apart for the first time in a while, willingly succumbing to the despair in my mind. The first sob hit me like a punch to the gut, but I let myself feel it. The quicker I could get this breakdown over with, the quicker I could figure out what was going on here.

I would find out what Dr. Sampson and Sebastian refused to tell me. It just didn't make any sense. I couldn't think of one logical reason for the lies they had told. I searched for anything to grasp onto and came up blank. There was nothing, nothing but the differences in stories. So that is where I need to begin. I need to get into Dr. Sampson's office and find Sebastian's file. That would surely give me the answers I searched so desperately to find.

Little did I know, it would only open the door for more questions.