Loving Madness

6. A chink In the Armor

Yes To Heaven- Lana Del Rey

Sebastian stays true to his word. He comes every day. Sometimes we just sit in peaceful silence. Those are the easiest moments. The ones where he doesn't tell me things that make me want to reach out and comfort him. Other times, he tells me his story and explains why he wants to help me. To my surprise, he does genuinely know why I refuse to speak to him or open up. Sometimes I get angry. I get angry because he understands me so well. It's infuriating. He understands, but he won't leave me alone.

During these times, I try to work through the instinctual reactions that hum through my body every time my eyes fall onto his beautiful frame. The way my pulse speeds every time his smell wafts into my face. The way my skin heats without my permission when I feel him watching me. I am confused and concerned with my reactions to him. Obviously, this isn't normal. People don't become attached to random strangers as soon as they look at them. Crazy people do. I guess it's time to own my crazy.

The only thing I do differently is take care of myself. I do the bare minimum. I try to make sure I eat at least one time a day, I take a shower and I brush my teeth. I want out of this room. I want away from Sebastian. But do I really? The answer to that question is complicated. I want to run away. To never see this man again. Really to never see another human as long as I live. On the other hand, I would love nothing more than to take his hand and become fast friends and lean on him for support. I want to hold this man and breathe in the fragrance coming off of his skin and never breathe normal air again. Good lord, I need to get a grip.

Something in my gut also tells me this man isn't good. Well, maybe just dangerous. The way my hair stands at attention around him. The tingle of fear in my gut I get when I lock eyes with him. I don't think he is dangerous to me. I know at this point that he would not leave me intentionally or hurt me in any way on purpose. But that's just the thing isn't it? He wouldn't do it on purpose, but I feel cursed. I don't want to get close to him, only for the universe to take him away.

And then one day, he doesn't come. He doesn't come to sit in silence or just vent to me. I find myself getting more and more anxious by the minute. I am panicking by the time Dr. Sampson opens the door for her daily check-in. I wouldn't realize this until much later, but my mind was not in the spiral of self-despair it usually was. As a matter of fact, it was the first time since the accident that I wasn't thinking about my parents or wallowing in self-pity.

"Mayslee, you seem more distressed than usual. Is everything okay?" Normally, I wouldn't give her the time of day. However, I couldn't help myself. I had to know if Sebastian was okay.

"Is Sebastian okay?" My voice is alight with panic and nerves and cracks throughout the sentence. A fresh wave of panic rolls through my body as Dr. Sampson purses her lips at me.

"So you don't speak to him at all, for the entire month he has come to see you, you act as indifferent as possible and the first time he isn't here, you begin to panic?" She raises her eyebrows at me with a knowing smile. "How about this, you answer just one question of mine, truthfully, and I will let you know what is going on with Sebastian." She knows she has me cornered and that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. I walk to my little cot in the corner and sit, drawing my knees up to my chest.

My eyebrows pull together when I realize how bony my knees have become. I take a self-inventory and realize, to my horror, that my entire body has gained angles that I seem to have missed completely. I get up and go to the small bathroom and look into the metal mirror that is bolted to the wall with flat screws, for personal safety, and gasp at what I find. My cheekbones are visible and not in a good way. My eyes are sunken in and I look like I'm only a few steps away from death. I don't understand. I have eaten at least once a day and have been taking care of myself. I guess I hadn't been keeping track of time as I should have. Have I been losing time again?

"I was hoping you would notice, sooner rather than later. I don't think you really want to die anymore Mayslee. I think you want to live but just need a little motivation to do so. That is why I was hoping you would become friends with Sebastian. However, he seems to have just made you shut down more. My one question for you is why do you refuse to talk to or acknowledge Sebastian?" She seems truly confused by my decision. As if it wasn't glaringly obvious. But now I had to ask myself a question. Why did I panic when he didn't show up? Why did it even bother me? I couldn't understand it myself. I suppose I like the company. But I knew that was a lie. Because regardless of how indifferent I pretended to make myself when he wasn't looking, I stole glances his way, I had the sound of his voice memorized and I had to admit to myself that I cared for him. I didn't know how much, and frankly wasn't ready to touch that subject with a ten-foot pole, but the little seed of care had weaseled his way into my heart.

"Honestly, I don't understand how you don't know the answer to that question doc. I don't want to ever care for another human being again. In any way, shape, or form. Can't you see that losing my family has nearly killed me? Can't you see that my mind cannot handle any more loss? My mind isn't right and it can never be fully fixed or repaired. So with all of that being said, do you see why I am not eager to care for another human being, in any capacity?" The good doctor is stunned by my long speech. A tear runs down my cheek and I do not know what else to do. So I just stare at the floor until she speaks. I know that the speech I gave is probably the most I've ever spoken to her, so I figure it will take her a minute.

"I understand now Mayslee. I truly do. But your panicking when he doesn't show up for one day says the opposite of everything you just said to me. Your reaction to your appearance shows me that you do care about living. I think you want to get better and learn how to function somewhat normally again. But enough with my diagnostics. He isn't having a good day, Mayslee. His flashbacks and hallucinations are getting the better of him today." She says this while clearly measuring my reaction.

I keep my face smooth and try my best to not let a single emotion cross my face. My first reaction to the news is to ask if I can go help him, as he has been me, as he did me so many times before. I want to be there for him, as he has for me, through many delusions, through not taking care of myself, through ignoring him like he is the scum of the earth. I just want to be in his proximity. Then I panic a bit. How can I help him, if I can't even help myself? I'm not even good at taking care of my basic human functions, but I have to try.

"May I go and see if I can help him? I mean, it would only be fair. He has been a staple in bringing me back to the present and grounding me. I think I might be able to help him as well." I say all of this while trying to seem as though I don't really care and clearly, I wasn't fooling Dr. Sampson. A small smile plays on her lips as she contemplates my request. So I give up, I quit pretending. "I will eat better, I will make a conscious effort to take care of myself, just please let me help him." I plead with my eyes and she takes in a big breath.

"Okay, Mayslee. I will give you one opportunity to come out of your room and try to help Sebastian. One misstep and it will be a huge step backward for you. I do have to inform you, that if you go into his room and you are hurt, it is no fault of ours and I will deny giving you permission to go in there. Do you understand?" I consider her words, but my decision was made before she even finished speaking.

"I agree. Please take me to him." I stare her in the eye for a moment and she turns to lead me out the door. Suddenly, I am anxious to leave my room. I haven't left since coming here and it is almost like stage fright that overcomes me. I grip the door frame for a moment and remind myself that Sebastian needs me. And with that thought, my resolve strengthens and I follow her out the door and into the unknown.