are you mine? - a south park style fanfic

Chapter 11 - Stan's Monolouge

Tw: Mentions of suicide, self harm, violence, abuse, & murder

Stans Pov:

Its bad how much fun I had shooting at some fucking logs. Its way worse that I liked to pretend I was shooting at people. I always said to myself if I could just go on a shooting rampage all my problems would be fixed. I think that makes me like psycho or something. I don't know, theres a lot of shit wrong with me that I don't know about, like how I literally burnt my fucking house down. I didn't even realize it happened until I snapped out of whatever episode I was in. Before my mom kicked the bucket, she took my to a psychiatric evaluation and did everything in her power to pin it on something other than my own selfishness. I guess it worked because I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and clinical depression, makes sense. I always knew my brain was fucked up, I just never understood why me, or how to control it. I took my anger out a lot on everyone else, especially Wendy. Anyways, once my mom killed herself I guess the judges decided to lay off on me, I was supposed to be in jail probably for the rest of my life, but they blamed it on a psychotic episode and sent me to a psych ward for a year or so. It was really fucked up but I guess I needed it, more like deserved it but I try not to think about it. I don't wanna tell Kyle the full story of what happened because it's way too much. Everytime I find myself spiraling, getting flashbacks of what happened that day, of my moms funeral, I snap out of it and realize i've done something I regret, usually breaking some shit in my room or harming myself in some way. I remember waking up with choke marks from my own hands a lot, and my favorite, bleeding from my legs or wrists. It was really dumb and corny of me but I never really seemed to care in the moment I guess. Conscious me would never let myself be so vulnerable, but when i'm not in the right state of mind I go insane pretty much. It used to be like that a lot when I drank, I would do it to help cope with my shitty family or horrible events, and I would wake up the next day to hear stories about all the fucked up shit I did while blacked out.

Weed really helped though, everyone says you cant get addicted, but sometimes it feels like I am. I need it to be calm, chill the fuck out, or stop myself from doing shit I wouldn't think twice about without it. Kyle reminds me a lot of weed. He's really calming to be around and he's a great comforter, he always has been. I feel really guilty for a lot of it, half of our friendship was me crying on him about dumb shit or Wendy while he held me and told me everything would be okay. I still feel like he's the only one I can truly be comfortable around, I told Wendy that once while I was drunk and it started a giant argument. After that we started having a lot more arguments which eventually lead to the worst one, when I found out she cheated. She told me it was because I never gave her attention or wanted to do anything with her anymore. I couldn't even listen to her explanation, I remember immediately running to the kitchen to get a bottle of vodka and downing it. She tried taking it away from me and punched me a few times, and thats when I punched the fuck out of her. I don't know why I did it, but we were both a good amount of tipsy so I guess it was dedicated influenced by that. I regret what I did a lot. She had very apparent choke marks on her neck and bruises on her body, I had some too, yet I took all the blame. I didn't talk to her for the rest of the year, and eventually stopped hanging around Kyle as it was clear he wasn't going to stop too. Everything got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore.

The plan was to kill myself with the smoke before the fire even got to me, and hopefully my family would be out the house before it got to them, or not, I fucking hated them anyways. Well, I didn't hate my mom, but I hated my dad and sister with every gut in my body. My dad loved to beat me up to establish dominance and respect or whatever, and me and my sister would get into it almost everyday too. My mom never did anything about it though. She'd just turn the other way, maybe yell at him to stop a couple times, and then come to my room after to comfort me. I know she was probably scared of my dad, but come on dude, i'm your son, at least stick up for me a bit more. Sure, I was taller, faster, and definitely had more muscles than my dad, but I could never hit him back, I was afraid of how far I might go. I usually took all my anger after he was done on myself. I beat myself up a lot or pulled out the lucky box cutter I had stolen from school a few years back. It felt good to make myself cry knowing I couldn't anywhere else, there was some times when I went too far but I never told anyone. I'd just patch myself up, get drunk, and stumble over to Kyle's house. we used to live super close to each other, sucks the house isn't there anymore, but it doesn't matter now i guess, we're pretty much roommates now. That had always been one of me and Kyle's dreams, to go to college together and spend almost everyday together until we eventually had our own lives, but still keep each other around.

I really love Kyle, he's the realest friend I know. We've been there for each other through every big event in each others lives. My first time having sex, he gave up his room for me and whoever that girl was. His first boxing match, I was there cheering his dumbass on, and with my luck he won, I remember he jumped out the ring and ran up to me and gave me the biggest hug, he got his sweat all over me, nasty bitch. His first real kiss, it was me, I can't wait to say that at his wedding, I know he's gonna get all red and punch me in the shoulder, but I don't mind, it makes me happy knowing we're engrained in each others minds. Is that weird? I don't know whatever fuck it. He'll probably be my best friend forever if I don't end up fucking everything up again. I don't want to lose him again, he brings out the best in me. I look down and realized all the bullets in the gun were finished. Damn I finished the whole clip without even realizing. Oh well, it's getting late anyways, I should go chill with Kyle for the rest of the night.