Our fallen souls [EN] (High Enough) : VOLUME 1

34 - Blake

She smiles, mischievously, then with a deliberate gesture, pulls down the fly of my pants, letting them drop slightly. I close my eyes, my arms coming to cover my face in an attempt to calm the fire burning inside me.

Then she caresses me with the tips of her fingernails, sending shivers down my skin. Each touch is like an electric shock, rekindling my desire for her even more.

"Fuck...," I swear, trying to catch my breath.

Then she takes me in her hand, and starts moving back and forth, clumsily, as if she hadn't done this often before. I feel pleasure surge through me, uncontrollable, as I lose myself in the feel of her fingers. I gently take her hand in mine, and guide her, trying to show her how to give me more pleasure. Her eyes sparkle with excitement as she follows my directions.

"Joséphine..."

Without wasting any time, my instincts take over. I firmly grasp her hips and guide her onto me, rubbing her against me. A small cry of surprise mixed with pleasure escapes her lips, encouraging me to continue. I pull her sharply towards me, pressing my lips against hers. Her warm, soft lips are like fireworks in my mouth, and damn did I miss them.

She moans between kisses, her movements becoming more frenzied. My hands get lost in her hair, guiding her towards me, seeking to bring her even closer.

"I want you," she releases into the hollow of my neck.

"I don't want you to regret..."

"Why should I?"

"You're so different from me..."

Then she stops and straightens up. "I'm not different enough for you to touch me, obviously," she retorts.

"Joséphine... I'm just trying to protect you, and I know that making love to you will change everything for you."

"Because it won't?"

I pursed my lips, feeling trapped in my own contradictions. "Of course it will."

She doesn't seem convinced and pulls away from me to get back into the passenger seat, folding her arms over her chest.

"Jo..."

"Am I like all the others?" she asks with a hurt look.

"If you were like all the others, I'd have fucked you by now," I answer without thinking.

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" She retorts sarcastically.

I stop myself from freaking out, realizing that my words have touched her more than I would have liked. "Damn it, I wouldn't have brought you back here if you were like "all" the others."

"I just want to go home."

"What's wrong with you?"

She widens her eyes in disbelief. "What's wrong with me? You're telling me? You're treating me like a poor kid, trying to protect me from I don't know what. I'm not even going to ask you what, because I know you'll never tell me, you'll just say again: It's none of your business, Joséphine," she imitates me.

Her smart-alecky way pisses me off. I pull my pants into place, then start the car. The engine roars as I turn on the ignition, and I make a sharp U-turn. I grip the steering wheel as if my life depended on it. I light a fag, the smoke coming out of the open window, as if taking some pressure off me. The silence in the car is as thick as mud, full of things we don't say to each other and a crazy feeling of unease. I can feel Joséphine is angry, hurt by my words and actions. I didn't mean to hurt her, I only wanted to protect her, but I was wrong. I'm frustrated, furious with myself for acting like a jerk. I was sure of myself, sure of my choices, but now I doubt everything.

The cigarette quickly burns through my fingers as we get closer to Seattle. I glance at Joséphine next to me, her gaze vague. Sadness shines in her eyes, and I know it's partly my fault.

We arrive at the residence, in the parking lot. I stop the car, but before I can say anything, she quickly opens the door, grabs her bag and hurries out. She looks like she wants to get away from me. I bite my lip and sigh in frustration. I don't know what to say or do to pick up the pieces. I want to catch her, to hold her back, to apologize, but I'm stuck in my seat, holding everything back, so I don't blow it all up in the car. With an almost uncontrollable impulse, I tighten the steering wheel and start the engine, the car roaring as I flee the parking lot. In the rearview mirror, I briefly see her turn her head, and it hurts to see what appear to be tears on her cheeks. As if by reflex, I light up another cigarette to calm my nerves as I head for my old bar, or rather my bar now.

I've got to get over this girl, fast, now.

*

As I park, I practically leap out of the car. I enter the bar, and the hubbub seems to quieten for a moment, as if everyone has sensed the storm rumbling inside me. Jared and Shawn look up at me, but I ignore them, having only one damn idea in mind. My gaze sweeps the room, searching for something, anything that might help me turn my mind away from this girl who haunts my every thought. I grab an empty glass in front of me and order a whiskey without even realizing it.

Then I spot Rachel at the side of the stage, talking to some guys I don't know. I approach her, then with an almost brutal gesture, I grab her arm and lead her into the bar's bathroom. I close the door behind us and let my gaze roam over her body before pouncing on her. Her body reacts instantly to mine.

It's not the same lips, the same mouth, the same smell. It's not the same sensation, not the same fucking heat. I do my best, trying to imagine it's her.

But shit, nothing works, she won't get out of my damn head.

I get out of the bathroom and go back into the barroom. The atmosphere is lively, the music ringing in my ears, but I'm unable to find any comfort in it. I approach the bar and order a whiskey. The alcohol burns my throat, but it only serves to underline the emptiness I feel inside. Rachel, who has followed me from the bathroom, approaches me with a smile.

"Well then, what's wrong with you?"

I give her a cold look, but can't find the strength to answer. Rachel seems to understand that I'm not in the mood for jokes. She shrugs and walks away, looking for another prey for the evening.

Why does everyone keep repeating the same fucking sentence to me? How the hell did I ruin a moment like this? How long have I been dreaming of touching her, and I'm acting like a fucking idiot? I'm trying to protect her, but what the hell am I capable of?