REMIND HER HER REMINDER

WHAT OVERTHINKING FEELS LIKE

My swollen eyes are struggling to hold up the tears of pain in me .Decision breed regrets and i would rather die than blame myself.
Ive been having migraines,ive been having tension headache and ive been dying to write but I couldn't.
Now I want to talk to Elias buh he aint online and i don know who else id trust on how i feel ,on what to do or how to kill myself because Internet aint even helping me out.

Just took a test and im positive.I dont know if im happy about it or not.I just feel shitty with the fact that I already told Cuggy that i dont want to abort cause i know how bad its finna haunt me.

But hes filled with the spirit of ignorance if theres sth of that sort and i swear i hate it.Im sitted on this new sofa that i hoped to be so happy for ,after finally purchasing it and I'm crying ,I'm hurting again and whats he doing?

Hes on the bed asleep like every thing is okay....And have you heard how rude he sounded after telling him im paged???

I swear i feel like dying i just dont want to see tomorrow if im this undecided about my life.

Ive never hated myself this much in my life.This day feels like its the end of me.

Now ive got flu ,exactly what Cuggy wanted "crying doesnt help,"im not crying for someone to sympathize with me No!!
Im sympathizing with myself because i know what i got myself into knowing its not my fault and knowing im the one to have this heavy bump in a few months.

And you know what sucks the most??
The fact that ill have to stop working......and then what happens....im basically the bread winner at home ...

Moving to my crib wasn't because i wanted to ......and being 20 dont even mean i can keep a child in my house ....whose finna pay my rent?my shopping?my mom ?? What about my grandma???

I honestly feel so shitty .so shitty ..........having flashbacks when i told Cuggy that im on my fertile days,,,,,that i wasnt safe and i begged him to not cum inside me but does he listen??
You have the answer!
Is he worried?
Nigga is asleep mahn .....

I really needed Elias so bad at this moment cause i have pills before me and i dont want to take them ,all cos it would probably be suicide ,but aint that the only left option.

I dont want to think no more .....

I feel exhausted ,my mind is exhausted and i just want to die if i cant find a solution.

Counting months to when I'll be delivering and mahn imma miss alot of opportunities in my life on God.

Aborting will give me depression for the next years maybe even until i die ,maybe even abortion will kill me or the depression will kill me ...

Wait isnt that what im after .......
death!

Above all ,
I pray that i find salvation and tranquility of my heart.
I no longer feel the want of being an adult like i opted when i was a child.

I just wish that realities were not true because sometimes it gets us so fucked up wishing shitt was not real and wishing dreams were real!!!!

And me being pregnant got me overthinking shit so bad that I had to call my doctor about it ....Im supposed to go get tested again,get told on what to do and what not to do .And I'd I don't want to keep the damn Baby ,bett he'll know what to tell me.

I haven't told Elias yet what's happening.I feel like I've been complaining alot about this Cuggy's character and hes just dead tired of him .

So I have to carry all this heavy moment right to myself.And I couldn't hold it .....so I went crying to him about it ...I love that he's always positive about everything.He made the situation feel a bit lighter and asked me to get a proper test from the hospital,yeah!!.....maybe the kit I was using was contaminated......Maybe im just overreacting about it....

Sometimes I'm always on the right positive track,it's just that I'm filled with this negative energy that makes me doubt my urge to find solutions on my own.I prefer a second opinion on it , otherwise I'll end up making the worst of the worst about the pettiest shit.

Well I was surely overreacting,I know I been having baby fever buh mahn ion want to have a baby right now .I mean not yet , atleast not with him....I feel like he did it intentionally....but now let's first find out if we finna be a babymama or what!