𝐓𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐒 ² || 𝒋𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒂𝒉 𝒇𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒓

𝟐𝟏

A/N || the letter.

𝐇𝐢 𝐊𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐥𝐥,

I know that the last thing you want right now is to hear anything from me, so I appreciate you reading this at all. I want you to know that I love you more than anything and you have a place in my heart that can never be filled by anything or anyone. 

I know that I fucked up, on multiple accounts, and I know that you're the best thing that's ever going to happen to me so this is my attempt at writing out an apology. I've started this letter over like twenty times already, so I've told myself this is the final draft.

I woke up this morning to a pillow in your place on my bed and honestly could not handle it. It's hard to comprehend how much I miss you. All of my memories with you are golden and I can't think of you without tainting them. 

Every time someone says your name all of our memories montage until I can hear you talking, see you, and feel your presence in my head. 

What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not communicating with you, for not being there for you when I should have been, for not letting you in, for taking advantage of your kindness, for being rude to you, for getting mad over nothing, for taking isabel to our spot, for being fucking stupid, and for not appreciating you the way I should. 

I know that I haven't been the best at acting on my apologies in the past so to try to work on that this is what I've done. In the time since I handed you this letter, I started staying at Nick's house, completely cut Belly off, and I'm looking at transfer applications before she shows up at Finch.

I never want anything to do with her again.

I want you to know that I'm trying this time. I'm really trying and if it's too late than I understand, and I'm still going to follow through with everything else. If I don't get to have you in my life than I don't want her and I don't want anything to do with any part of her.

Earlier today is not what I wanted. I got blindsided by you and Roman being near each other and thought that the best way to get your attention would be to kiss her. I don't know why I thought that it was the best route, but I did and there's nothing I can do to erase it from the past no matter how desperately I wish it never happened. 

Honestly, I'm glad you have Roman, glad you have someone that knows you well enough to help you when you're upset and put you back together in a way that I never was able to do. I didn't have a right to be worried during the last week of our break, I know you would never cheat Ken, I know you wouldn't. I'm furious with myself because I know you too well to act the way I have been acting. 

You who has a heart of fucking gold. You who stayed with me for months while I did nothing but act like shit. You stayed with me for that, so why it would even cross my mind at all is beyond me. 

I want you to know that through those months after mom died, I did notice you upset, I noticed the way you cared for me, I noticed you. Something in me couldn't communicate with you, I couldn't let myself let you in, and I don't know why I didn't ever have the emotional capacity to help you. 

I hate that I couldn't be there for you. I hate that I was rude to you. I hate that I wasted that time with you. 

I should have been holding you, talking to you, working to help you and take some of the weight off your shoulders. 

It physically hurts my head to think about how much shit I did– and didn't– do for you. I don't blame you for our breakup at all.

I know that I am at complete fault, so whatever you choose, I understand.

If Roman treats you well than I see no reason for you to think about this letter or me. I love you, and I love you enough to let you to do whatever you choose.

I'd give anything to hold you again, to be near you again, to kiss you again.

I never wanted her. I wanted you. I've always wanted you. I'll always want you.

I've been addicted to you my whole life.

I've been addicted to you since we met on the beach at 5 and you knocked over my sand castle and then felt bad and dragged me into the ocean to cheer me up. 

I'm addicted to everything about you Kendall. I'm addicted to your eyes, your laugh, your smile, the way you play with your rings when you get nervous, the little star birthmark on the back of your shoulder, when we get high as fuck and your eyes turn bright red but somehow still look perfect, how you care so much for everyone, your heart, how protective you are, your humor, and literally everything about you. 

I can't stay away. I'm so fucking sorry. I want a fresh start, a clean slate, with no isabel and no drama. Just us, like it always was. I miss you and I'm so sorry Kendall.

When we were young, I used every birthday wish to keep you near me, every shooting star to keep you safe, and every fallen eyelash to make sure you were happy. Nothing's changed, and as long as there are stars in the sky, birthday candles to blow out, and eyelashes falling, I will always protect and love you more than the moon and the stars love the sky. 

I love you angel,

Jeremiah Fisher

-

A/N || lowkey hyped for kendall's big breakdown 😍😍

some of u are 100% gonna kill me

she's abt to lose it tbh

be scared.