𝐓𝐈𝐃𝐄𝐒 ² || 𝒋𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒂𝒉 𝒇𝒊𝒔𝒉𝒆𝒓

𝟐𝟓

𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐬 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐚𝐜𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐉𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐚𝐡. My arms are crossed over my chest and I don't think any part of me looks like I wanted to be here. 

"Hi," he said and when I didn't reply he just kept talking. "Thanks for coming, I know you don't want to be here and it means a lot to me. Uh– I'm not sure if you opened your birthday present, but I've been staying at Nicks, haven't talked to Isabel since your birthday, and I'm looking to transfer out of Finch in case she gets in. Initially it was all for you and it still is, but I think it'll be better for me to not be anywhere near her when she only causes problems in my life, and in our life. 

I know that I was a shit boyfriend, a shit friend, and a shit person in general and I want to make it up to you. I want to go back to before anything went wrong and live in our own little world like we used to. A clean slate, a fresh start, just us. I don't mean we have to be dating, I mean don't get me wrong it's definitely preferred, but I understand if you don't want to, I just want to be able to be near you.

I don't like us looking at each other like either we've never met or that we're public enemy number one. I want to be able to talk to you or at least be in the same room without you getting upset. Seeing you upset hurts every part of me and being the cause of that makes it a million times worse. I love you, I still really truly love you and I don't know how I'm supposed to live without you. 

We've been here before, I know that we have, and I don't want to make it worse. I'm scared out of my mind to lose you, I'm not sure I know how to function. If there's nothing I can do to keep you in my life than I understand, but if there is. If there is, I need you to tell me because I might actually lose my mind. 

There's nothing I want more than you Kendall," he finished his rant and I ran a hand through my hair.

Does he rehearse that in the mirror?

"Look I appreciate it, but no. No to friends, no to dating, no to giving a shit. I'm over it, 
I don't know how many times I have to tell you that. I loved you a lot, but it's time that I stop letting you walk all over me. You don't get to pull some outrageous shit, realize that I know what you did, and then and only then pull an apology out of your ass. I'm not saying that's what's happening now because maybe it is genuine, but you lost my trust.

Every little lie, big lie, stupid white lie you told me added up and chipped away at it and it's gone. So if you'd do me a favor and stop trying I'd appreciate it. Do what you want as long as it stops messing with my head. I don't need some big public display of affection or gifts. You had a chance to prove you care and you blew it. 

The problem is that you're asking me what to do to win me back, but how would I know? There's nothing you could buy me and no memory you can use to get me back. Honestly the only thing that could win me back is based in happenstance and genuine care, which can't be planned. I can't tell you that even that would work.  

Jer we were together for over two years and when it was good we were so good, but when it got bad, it was really fucking awful. It's not healthy for us to be like that– the drastic mood swings in our relationship was not good for us. It was to the point where something good would happen and I would internally be questioning when something was going to go wrong. 

That's not a place I want to be in again, so I'll take the constant ache of you being gone to the everyday questioning of if we're gonna last another day. I'm sure it'll get better over time, I mean it's already been like two weeks of being officially broken up," I replied and the boy met my eyes before they drifted down to my neck and back up to my eyes.

"Who do you see yourself with when you're grown up with a family?" Jer asked and I rolled my eyes. We used to talk about this late at night when we couldn't fall asleep. He knows my answer.

"It hasn't been long enough to change yet. You, me, two kids– older brother younger sister, I own a cute little store. You leave for work early in the morning and I take the kids to school and then your off by the time the school days done and I work until like 6. We have dinner together every night– sometimes you try to cook and fail miserably and we have pizza. We put the kids to sleep together and then sit on the couch watching whatever shitty movie is on," I said and his face was a mixture of awe and regret.

"Have the names changed?" he asked softly, his thoughtfulness showing in his posture. His hands were folded on the table and he was completely focused on my, a little daunting to be honest.

"No. Maverick Beckett Fisher and Willow Coco Fisher, do you remember why?" I asked and the boy nodded, head lowering a little. "Maverick for our beach and the amount of surfing we did, Beckett for your mom, Willow because Gorgeous, and Coco for Conrad Cora and Nicole all in one," I added and he looked emotionally distraught.

"God I fucking love you," Jer breathed out as his hands ran over his face. 

"I can't let myself love you anymore," I replied and he took a deep breath.

"I know and it's okay. You can always hate me if you need to," he said and my mind went reeling.

'Hate me Kendall. Use everything I've ever said to you, fought over with you, and done and hate me until you're ready to love me again.'  his voice echoed through my head. 

"I don't want to lead you to believe this is going to work out. There's no point having faith in this. I'm over it for real this time," (I think) I said and he tilted his head.

"I'll always have faith in you– fuck I'd pray to you if I could Angel," fuck he's flirting and it's working. 

"Jeremiah–"

"I worship you, your soul, your beauty, your thoughtfulness, your kindness, and I'll always do whatever you say," I could sense the double meaning but he said it with so much endearment that the flirting came as second nature. 

I know that I'm blushing, I can feel my heartbeat pick up, and the eye contact we're holding should be illegal. His faint smirk is present because he knows exactly what he's doing, proving to me and himself that there was still something there, that it was worth having faith in.

But I know that already. I know that I'm still attracted to him, that I want him back; how does he not realize it's hard for me to not run back to his arms?

"Kendall look me in the eyes and tell me that you no part of you wants me back," he said and I looked up from the table I was staring at.

"Don't make me–"

"Please," he pleaded and I looked up at him.

"I–" I started to say but the words died on my throat. "I'm not going to lie and tell you that all of me wants you gone. Clearly there's part of me that wants to be with you forever, but I can't let myself get hurt again and this is the only way to do that," I said and he took a deep breath.

"I get it– I'm sorry I shouldn't have had you do that. Can we try to be acquaintances, or at least not awkward as fuck please?" he asked and I laughed.

"Yeah I guess, but I'm making rules that we're actually going to follow this time yes?" I asked and he nodded.

"Yes," he confirmed a little too excitedly and I tried not to laugh. 

"Okay so 1. Not hanging out if we don't have to, 2. No texting me unless emergency, and 3. Absolutely nothing intimate– all PG. That's it," I said and he hummed.

"Works for me," Jer commented and I nodded. 

"K good, now I'm gonna go, I need to pack for Charleston," I added and he smiled.

"Bye Ken thank you for coming," he said and I shrugged.

"See you around," I said and left. 

Jesus fuck what the fuck was that. Why does him literally talking to me make me melt and lose any possible resolve I've ever had. Fuck.

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A/N || hehe charleston
that's all