I'll need a vacuum.

34

TW SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ATTEMPT.

My sadness rose in waves, each more devastating than the last, and my efforts to maintain composure crumbled. My tears were silent and flowed in an unbroken stream down my cheeks. I didn't feel the relief induced by a good fit of tears, when we finally let go of the floodgates on our emotions, but only an infinite sadness.

This time, I was much more broken than before.

Nanami noticed it, and hugged me. We stayed like that for a long time, in silence, him stroking my head as I let my emotions swirl. I was completely breaking down and I couldn't face my reality anymore. After a while, we moved to the sofa, where I lay down, completely exhausted. I was still crying non-stop, and I noticed that I had wet his apron. Luckily he was wearing it. Nanami looked at me with empathy, and spoke to me after a stretch of silence interrupted only by my sniffles.

"What happened ?"

I took a moment to gather my feelings into a cohesive idea.

" I... I can't take it anymore. I quit."

I tensed up saying that, and started to cry harder, big sobs this time.

" I.. I have.. never wanted to be here.. it's horrible, I'm tired of being killed.. and the child of yesterday.. he died in front of my eyes .. I-I can't forget it."

He took my hand while listening to me, and tried to calm me down by whispering, but I kept going, I had too much on my mind.

"When is it going to stop ? I can no longer take new revelations, I no longer have the necessary mental strength. I don't understand anything about my life now, and I'm so alone ! I want my parents ! I want them to hug me and tell me it'll be okay, it's a bad dream and everything will be okay. That I never killed anyone, that I don't carry a curse or whatever, that I dreamed all these monsters..."

I caught my breath between two more spaced out sobs, expressing myself calmed me down a bit.

" I want to curl up and disappear. I'm so sick to my stomach I almost want to be done with it, but my fucking survival instinct is holding me back. It's been weeks that I have a constant lump in my stomach, that I wake up in sweat and the heart beating after having had nightmares. During the day, I try to progress, to distract myself by thinking about..."

I stopped suddenly, before saying that I was thinking of him and that it lightened my soul a little, while stressing me out because love is terrifying when you don't know if it's shared .

" No..nothing .. in short, it's not enough to distract me. I'm not getting anywhere and I'm sinking deeper and deeper, and yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back. I can't accept seeing a child die without doing anything and tell myself that it might not be the only one. I never wanted to experience this. I'm not made to save people, I only know how to kill or be useless. Gojo should never have brought me back here."

Nanami cut me off.

" Do not say that. But I understand what you're going through. Yaga asks each student before they enters high school if they are sure of their choice, because to be an exorcist is to face death and has many painful situations. Including many sacrifices that few people can make. I myself left the exorcists because I couldn't anymore."

He held my hand.

"You who had no choice, it's completely normal to feel lost. You have only known the occult world for barely two months, and your experiences are all negative, alas. I would like to tell you that you can leave now, and return to your life before, but it is not possible at the moment. That doesn't mean it's impossible in the future! I think in a year or two, you should be able to leave the world of exorcism without harm, so don't lose hope. You have to hold out until then."