Diaries of the Damaged (BxB)

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"June 29th, 2021

My class just went on their schooltrip yesterday. I wasn't allowed to go, of course, Zyan wouldn't let me. And now I'm stuck in this house for even longer than I usually am. I can't even sleep properly. I keep getting all these nightmares and waking up, and lack of sleep makes me unable to study during the day. It feels like I have zero control over my life, like I'm just a doll and someone is pulling my strings. How should I even go on if I have nothing to look forward to?

I feel so fucking pathetic"
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Elio's pov:

I walked through the front door of the house I live in. Calling it my house or home would feel rather unnatural, so I think this choice of words is way better.

When I was young I always wanted to have a cat, or pet of any kind. It didn't really matter to me as long as I had something to share my days with. I thought an animal would make this place feel warmer, more homely. Of course, Zyan never allowed me to have one, and now that I'm older, I think that was a good decision. No animal should suffer in this gloomy, cheerless house.

-"Shoes off."-Zyan's voice brought me back to reality.

-"Oh, s-sorry."-I took them off and walked inside. I was expecting to be met by Freya's cheerful screams and yells, but there was no one there.

-"W-where are Freya and Clara?"

-"At Clara's parents' house. They're staying there for the weekend."-A chill shot through my spine. We are alone here for the whole weekend...

Weekends alone with Zyan scare me, they always did. Clara often goes to her parents' for the weekends and brings Freya with her, so this scenario was quite familiar to me. To be honest, it would all depend on Zyan's mood. Sometimes we would have so much fun on those weekends alone. We would watch movies and play cards, or make pancakes and eat them with ice cream. I hate to admit it, but most of my good memories from the last few years are from the weekends like those ones.

With that said, that would only happen sometimes, when he was in a good mood. But most of the time, weekends alone with him would be a living hell. Usually he would get so stressed over the week with his work, with his boss, with Clara. He would never show it, it would never slip away, not one harsh word. I think he is even better at hiding his emotions than my mother and father.

But he wouldn't hide it when we're alone. In those moments, I could see all his bottled up rage and stress, finally free to come out. On good days, he would just talk to me about those things and I would listen to him. On bad days, which were more common, he would take out all that anger on me. He would make me feel all that anger on my own skin, until I would physically feel as bad as he does mentally. And I'm afraid this will be one of those weekends...

I saw him bringing my stuff inside. He started unpacking my painting, inspecting its appearance.

-"...is that Freya?"-He asked.

-"Yeah..."

-"Ah, she's gonna love it. We should hang it on the wall. Get a hammer and nails from the drawer."-I nodded, getting the things he wanted. As I held onto the hammer my mind just went 'oh, it would be nice if I could just smash it into his head as hard as possible. If only I could do it, there would be no more pain, no more suffering, no more-'. The hammer was suddenly snatched from my hand.