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"You're coming to your big brother instead of Amara? You found out I got the superior advice right," Jaylen gloated spinning around in his chair.
"No," I denied it quickly. "I just can't speak to Amara about this because I don't want her to feel... guilty. I know she would feel that if I told her."
After a week of avoiding Hajoon and ignoring his calls, I had to talk to someone. Besides Hajoon and Amara, Jaylen is the only other person I can call on.
Jaylen being a world renowned producer had very limited time but, when I told him I really needed someone to talk to, he asked me if meeting at his studio would be okay.
He was in the middle of producing a soundtrack for a movie so, he was turning into a hermit.
"What would she feel guilty about?"
"The fact that she's pregnant and I'm not and now this is turning into an argument with Hajoon. I am so happy for Amara but I just can't help feeling like... I want that for myself too. Why is it not my time?"
"I think that's complicated. It's complex to feel those sorts of emotions."
"I don't want to be jealous of Amara. I want to feel just happiness and just feel so happy that this is her moment but I can't help it... I feel terrible."
"I don't think you should beat yourself up over feeling like that," Jaylen offered a gentle smile. "When you lost your baby it was really hard on you so... I think it's normal for you to want a moment like that as well."
"I just," I paused for a moment feeling my throat clog up. I fanned my eyes looking away slightly as Jaylen put his arm around me. "I just wanted it really bad... to be a mom... it wasn't the right time but I didn't want it happening like that."
Jaylen comforted me as I cried softly.
"I think it's a hard situation on both of you right now... just talk to him."
"But like why would he suggest a doctor," I sniffled grabbing a tissue that he offered me. "I know I'm not with child... I don't want to be told that officially I already know!"
"Hajoon took it pretty hard when you lost the baby, he cried a lot, he blamed himself a lot... even I blamed myself because... I should have forced you to stay home, taken you to the hospital, anything else... I felt very guilty too."
"Jaylen you didn't do anything wrong."
"Rationally I know and I feel guilty so, imagine how heavy that is on Hajoon whose family was directly involved. I just think he wants to know he hasn't affected your changes of being a mother so that may be why he suggested that."
"I just... I don't know."
"He blames himself a lot. Him trying to get help is just him trying to do what he knows to fix his wrongs."
I know all this but... sometimes I just feel so angry...
"When did you get mature Jaylen," I asked slightly proud and slightly confused. Not that Jaylen wasn't a good big brother figure but he's not the first person I'd ever go to talk to.
Maybe that needs to change.
"Life has a funny way of catching up," he mused with a weird expression. "Now go see Hajoon before he pops a vein... I have money to make too. You two are too dramatic for me."
"Jaylen," I semi-yelled out in surprise, "you're kicking me out?!"
"Yeah like I want bitches blowing up my phone not Hajoon possessive ass." ...
"I had a million things planned to say but now that you're here, my mind is blank."
Hajoon and I stood in front of each other as he slightly leaned on the door. He bit his bottom lip nervously for a second before catching himself.
He does that a lot when he's nervous.
I did miss him.
"I'm thirsty."
"You want to come in," he asked, "I have your lychee drink - the one with bits in there."
I muttered a quick thanks before walking into his home. I sat on the sofa looking around at the place I had been too millions of times.
The pillows and throw I brought for the living room were still set up in the way I wanted them to be. All the little touches I had put around the house were left unchanged.
"Here," he gently offered handing me a glass of my drink. He sat close to me spreading his legs slightly leaning forward. He looked at me intently as I gently put the cup on the table.
"I just want to say I'm sorry Hajoon. I was angry and overreacted to the situation. I'm just- I'm just feeling a lot right now."
"I'm sorry I tried to make myself feel better when you were hurting. I was selfish- I felt so fucking guilty I just wanted to... I'm sorry."
"I just... I don't want to feel like... there's something wrong with me."
"I'm sorry angel," he apologised getting on his knees in front of me. He looked up at me as he hugged my waist from that position. "I'm so sorry. I'll respect your feelings more... please, don't be angry at me anymore."
Fuck.
How did this happen...? Me getting turned on in this moment...
But just seeing him on his knees grovelling like that makes me feel like this is my world. His eyes staring at me waiting on my every word...
Yeah... I'm really the one. And who wants to argue with their man for forty days and forty nights.
I couldn't help the smile that made its way onto my face. I lifted my legs and rested them on his shoulders as I leant back closing my eyes. I dragged my foot up and down slowly.
At this point Hajoon looked at me with that look. But he knew better than to touch.
