mysterieus love

9

Noella

We're already two weeks further, time is going quick, it's almost autumn break here. Here in Amsterdam starts like a event like ADE. I don't know what I actually means and how it works. I spoke to Martin two weeks ago when he was here. He told me in a text he was very busy and could barely spend any time with me. I just accept it and I left it that way.

He sometimes checks up on me and I say I'm good. I'm feeling alright and I just miss the hangouts with him. But all of that is a lie.

I never cried so much by myself in the past two weeks as further in my life. I just miss everything. I feel very lonely. I have found some work but sometimes I don't feel motivated to get to work and I say I'm sick while I'm actually not sick. It wouldn't surprise me if I get fired. I maybe have shown up three times the last two weeks, one of the time was the application conversation. Im in my baddest time, everything sucks and I hate everything.

I pretend to everyone else that everything is going pretty fine and I'm okay. But I badly hoped someone once said to me. Hey Noella, you're not fine. Don't pretend like you're and tell me.

The first says I couldn't even get out of bed, like my depression is all back, I hate the way I look and the grieve of my older brother is still unfixed. I haven't cried in front of others for years. Of course I'm frustrated or angry but sad and tears. No one has seen them and no one ever will.

I have a stupid dumb ass program on my tv and I have a plaid wrapped around me, chips next to me and soda drink as my morning drink. My whole routine is fucked up and I hated. Slowly the feeling of missing Benjamin's comes back. Now even heavier as before. It hits me harder somehow.

i just woke up. The sky is all blue, the sun is shining to the fullest and the grass is so green as your greens. It looks so prefect, nothing now is prefect like that morning. The morning I didn't have to think about question like, am I gonna lose him? See my parents cry and see him being so deadly sick. The smile on his faded away the more days he barely lived.

even though outside of the window looked so peaceful, I didn't wake up in my beautiful bedroom surrounded with my favourite toys and my teddy bear. I wake up in a room all white and grey. No colors, no toys and no teddy bears. I see my older brother Ben laying here, silent and bleeping sounds. My parents are so sad. Their whole face expression is just sadness. A man with a long white jacket on walks in and confronts my parents. I don't know really get it what they say but my mom seems so upset. She cries so much and my dad tries to calm mom down. All I do is just watch as a 8 years old girl. Someone who didn't understand the situation, someone who did it understand the emotions that were felt back then. Someone who desperately needed someone to hug me, comfort me. But nothing like that happened to me. It was all focused on Benjamin and now 15 years later we don't talk to him, we act like he didn't exist.

I just cry so much more. I needed to talk about it but I can't. "I miss you," I cry and I keep on crying. All of it makes me so sick and sad.

🪆

The bell ring and I ignore it. I don't want to speak to anyone right now. I put a pillow above my head and ignore the bell ringing. I honestly do not care. I want to be with myself and no one else around me. My phone starts ringing too and I don't want it. I grab my phone eventually and see Martin. No no, no. I walk up to my window and see him standing over there. I walk towards a mirror and talk to myself some good words.

Don't cry in front of him.

Don't cry in front of him.

Don't cry in front of him.

I take a deep breathe and I hear some people talking, I walk downstairs and I see Martin standing inside, my old neighbor let him in. "Dankje wel," he smiles and walks up to me. I ignore his worrying gaze and walk behind him.

I close the door behind me, I left the door open accidentally. "What was this?" He asks me. "What was this?" I ask him confused. "Your place looks trashed? You look so so," he doesn't finish his sentence. "I look like what? Tell me," I say and I feel angry. He's the one who comes by unannounced. "Have you cried?" He asks me. I bite on my lip and escape his unique eyes. "Noella, have you cried?" He asks me once again. "Shouldn't you be busy with things?" I ask him, "I'm fine." I say.

Another lie, another fcking lie. I'm not fine, I'm not fine at all. I want to cry everything out so badly. "You're not fine," he says and my hearts starts beating quick. "You're not fine Noella, this place looks like you abandoned and you, yourself look like you cried for a week long," he says. He comes closer to me and holds me by my arms. I bite on my lip and feel like a little girl again. "Come here," he says and he hugs me, his arms wrapped around me and I feel little tears rolling down my cheeks. "It's okay Noella," he whispers and I start crying.

Since years I cry in front of someone.

I cried in front of him. No no no.

this can't be. This shouldn't be like that. I can not cry in front of him.